Parenting 101: Parenting Mismatch – Why Aunts Play an Important Role in the Lives of Teens
There are times when teens are simply mismatched with their mothers. What I’m referring to are temperamental mismatches.
Teens sometimes tell us that they feel that they have been born into the wrong family. In fact, mothers too have shared that they wonder how it is that they have a teen who is so different from them.
You have probably seen or experienced exactly what we are referring to. Consider the following scenarios:
- A very outgoing and socially comfortable mother has a shy and introverted teen who has trouble making conversation with peers.
- You are a mother who has difficulty expressing your feelings both verbally and physically. You have a teen who is emotionally intense and loves to be hugged.
- You love to exercise and have always maintained a very healthy and lean body. You love stylish clothing. Your daughter on the other hand couldn’t care less about fashion or gaining a few extra pounds.
- A very athletic daughter loves to watch sports on TV and is a great softball player. You don’t understand the rules of sports, have always considered yourself clumsy, and have little interest in sports facts.
- Your teen loves to have lots of friends over to your house. They are all nice kids but you are not comfortable with groups of people.
- You are very spontaneous in your role as a mother. This works well with one of your teens but the other one is more relaxed with structure, predictability, and sticking to a clear agenda.
- Your teen tells you that you like her brother more than her. Well, it’s not that you like him more it’s just that you understand him better because he is more like you emotionally and otherwise.
- Your daughter, you believe, is just way too sensitive. Things affect her way too much. You often think about why she can’t be more like you and let things go. She is slow to recover from disappointments. Why, you ask yourself can’t she just get on with things?
- A very fun and playful teen has you for a mother. You were raised in a very formal and polite atmosphere, You just don’t get this playful thing. Your own attempts to be playful feel very awkward.
- Why, you ask yourself, can’t your daughter just spend some time relaxing with a good book? Why would she rather be with friends than having alone time? You have always cherished and guarded having your space and private time.
So, here is where the unique role of the aunt is so important. Sometimes our teen daughters seem to have special bonds with one or more of their aunts. If you think about it is probably because they “get” each other. Their temperaments work well together.
Maybe they are both playful and fun-loving types. Perhaps, they are both bookworms and love to spend the afternoon talking about books. They may just have a similar world-view.
If you are lucky enough to have aunts around who are temperamentally well-matched to your daughters, then consider yourselves lucky. Your teens will benefit from having all sorts of role models around.
Barbara Greenberg PhD and Jennifer Powell-Lunder PsyD are the co-authors of Teenage as a Second Language-A Parents Guide to Becoming Bilingual. They are the co-creators of the website talkingteenage.com.
Parenting 101: Talking With Your Teens – Starting The Dialogue With Your Kids Before They Become Teens
We teach parents how to talk to their teens. What we really need to emphasize is that it will be a whole lot easier if you set the stage for a good quality of dialogue when your kids are much younger. You can do this as early as when they begin to talk. You see you can’t simply start opening up the dialogue with your surly 14 year old if you haven’t built a strong and healthy foundation.
How to Start the Dialogue with Your Kids Before They Become Teens
#1: Listen when your children are speaking to you. No, that does not mean nodding while you are on the cell phone. It means being fully present emotionally and physically.
#2: Provide opportunities for disclosure. This means spending some alone time with your kids where they have the opportunity to talk to you without an audience present. We suggest taking a walk with them, going for a drive, anything where you are alone together and in a relaxed situation.
#3: Try not to emotionally over-react when they tell you something upsetting. Kids and teens shut down when their parents become intensely emotional. It gives them the impression that their parents can’t handle what they are saying. If you need to freak out, then do it after you have gotten the whole story. After that, you can freak out, but on your own time.
#4: Try not to deliver harsh consequences. Harsh consequences create a breeding ground for lying.
#5: Try your hardest not to be judgmental. Kids and teens are far less likely to open up in a judgmental atmosphere.
#6: Model respectful, calm, and supportive dialogue yourself. You are your children’s most important role models.
#7: Don’t give advice unless the kids want it. You may inadvertently be giving them the message that you don’t believe that they can handle things on their own. Ask them if they want you to do some problem-solving with them before dishing out the advice. Sometimes they just want you to absorb some of their feelings. Parents are in many ways shock-absorbers.
We are not suggesting that you don’t have a set of expectations, rules, and consequences. It is important to create an atmosphere where growing up together is easier for the whole family and that means opening up the lines of communication early!
Want more tips on talking with your teen? Visit Barbara online at Talking Teenage.com where she shares helpful tips and advice to help parents navigate the teenaged years!
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