Mission Possible – Using a Family Mission Statement to Connect your Family
Does your family have a mission?
Cue the Mission: Impossible theme song. I am an action flick gal. I have seen every James Bond movie at least three times, I was first in line to see Transformers, and I never miss a superhero adventure.
So, when the topic of missions comes up, it is no surprise that the first thing that pops in my mind is the theme song from Mission: Impossible. The mission I have in mind isn’t an impossible one, but like the M:I character, Ethan Hunt, it does require a focus and teamwork to achieve it.
Whether it’s a top-secret mission, one from God or one from within, a mission declares what you would like your life to look. It directs your life and asserts your purpose. It answers questions, such as: How do we choose to live our life? What values support us? What are our priorities?
So, your, well, mission – should you choose to accept it – is to identify and craft your own family mission statement. Whether you are a family of two or twenty, a mission statement provides everyone a say in how the family goes and grows in life as an individuals and as a team.
7 Steps to Creating Your Family Mission
#1: Establish your personal mission. Consider the current status of your life, values, priorities, goals, education, professional pursuits, leisure activities and roles you enjoy on a regular basis. Get specific! (If you haven’t done a Life Perspective Plan, you get one at juliesmith.com.) Encourage your spouse, life partner, and/or older children to determine their personal mission as well.
#2: Gather all the family members for a family meeting. Be sure to include anyone that lives in the same house: younger children, children who live/visit on a part-time basis and even grandparents who may live in the home. Explain that you will all be contributing to the creation of a mission statement. Let your family know that a mission is NOT a list of rules, requirements or punishments; rather, it is a roadmap for the family’s journey through life.
#3: Characterize your family by asking each family member list adjectives that describe your family. For example, our family describes itself as loving, quirky, authentic, funny, kind, creative and smart. (Be sure everyone contributes.) As each word is shared, list it on a white board for all to see. Additionally, ask family members to listen without judgment as each person’s shares his or her dreams, goals, priorities, and if completed, personal mission. These contributions start to lay the foundation of what your family mission will encompass.
#4: Brainstorm ideas to include in your family mission statement. Ask each person to contribute ideas. (Remember to do this without censorship as this is a brainstorming session.) Prompt ideas with questions such as: “What goals do we have as a family?” “If there was a definition of us in the dictionary, what would it say?” “If a stranger met us, what would they think of our interactions together?” “What inside jokes does our family share?” “What traits do we admire?” “What do we find unacceptable?” “If we were honored at an award show, what award would we win?”
#5: Craft your mission by forming the ideas in sentences. Once you have composed your sentences into a statement, edit it until everyone is agreement with both the words and the sentiment. An example may be, “The Smiths live authentically and judgment-free. We strive for continued growth, knowledge and new experiences. We are not defined by one trait or thought; rather, we are motivated by our qualities: quirky, creative, intellect, kind, honest and fun. Collectively and individually, we create the life we want.”
#6: Refine your mission into a short motto. A motto is one sentence that summarizes your family’s mission. Depending on your family, you may choose to write it in code, rhyme or verse. Some families create a catchy, humorous affirmation as their motto. The key is to make it easy to remember and touch on at lest a few of the points in your mission. My family’s motto is “The Smiths are true to their best selves.” It also could be funny or in code, as long as your family knows what it means and represents.
#7: Print out your motto and family mission statement, and ask everyone sign and date it. Post both mission and motto in a variety of prominent places in your home and business. Start creating habits and objectives that support your mission. As decisions are made both at home and business, tie them back to your family mission to ensure alignment in both areas for ultimate success.
Looking for more tips on teaching kids about character? Connect with Julie at www.juliesmith.com!
Parenting 101: Giving First – Teaching Kids about Giving in the Season of Gift Overwhelm
Several years ago, I recall asking my just-turned-five-year-old son to gather items to donate to a children’s hospital for the young patients. I closed my eyes and prepared for howls of “What do you mean you’re giving away my toys?!” It never came.
As I opened my eyes, I saw him enthusiastically hauling toys from his toybox and beyond. He relinquished his old baby rattles, Legos, and his prized super hero collection. I asked if he really wanted to take all these items. “Yes, mom,” he replied. As we loaded up our car, I praised him for wanting to give his toys to those in need. That’s when it hit…
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE GIVING AWAY MY TOYS?!” he yelled.
“Honey, I said we were going to donate today.”
“Donate? I thought we were getting a donut.”
Chuckling as I retrieved 20 Rescue Heroes from the lot, I sat down to explain the difference between donate and donut. I couldn’t help but wonder, though, how we teach our children the concept of giving back, of unselfishness, especially during season of holiday overwhelm.
Are toddlers and preschoolers too young? Did we miss the boat if our children are already teens? Not at all. From birth well into their teens and beyond, we can continue to provide our children with the tools to care for those in need – from the friend whose parents are divorcing to the homeless man living on the city streets to victims of unforeseen disasters.
We, as parents, are the most important tool to show our children selflessness.
Providing a home environment that is filled with empathy, generosity, compassion, kindness and consideration creates an ideal learning area for your children. When children witness your positive behavior, they have a greater tendency to model it.
Spend time with your children. Read books to young ones about manners, sharing and holiday giving. As they grow, openly discuss events such as homelessness and have your child help you create and act on solutions to help those that have been affected.
Teaching Your Kids about Giving First
Encourage Sharing. Whether toys, time, or ideas, sharing is something we preach to our children from day one; however, it is not until they reach the preschool years that they really understand the concept. Sharing is an excellent opportunity to lay the groundwork for helping others. Seize moments to help promote empathy. If your child’s sibling or friend is sad, you could encourage your child to share something with them to make them feel better.
For example, “Sweetie, Mary looks so sad, because she doesn’t have any Care Bears to play with and you have two. I bet it would make her feel really good if you let her play with one of yours for awhile.” As your children grow, encourage them to give their unused or duplicate toys to someone in need.
Be a Good Example. Expand your children’s opportunities of consideration by encouraging altruistic acts. Don’t be modest – point out your own unselfish ways. Let them identify with the emotions behind the act. Explain why you want to help others.
For example, you might say, “I’m so saddened by this story on the news about a family who cannot pay for Christmas gifts; I am going to write a check (send goods, volunteer time, etc) to help them out. Can you imagine if that happened to our family?”
Model Selflessness. Make selflessness a family event. Include volunteer work and social responsibility as part of your family definition or mission is key to letting your children know that you are committed to helping others.
Find volunteer activities that hold interest, such as baking treats for a convalescent center, so they become vested in the project. There are several organizations like The United Way and VolunteerMatch.com to help you find an activity that fits your family.
Pay Attention. Lastly, and probably most importantly, take the time to notice and praise your child’s selfless behavior and act. Your appreciation and love for their selflessness will encourage your child to continue to care for those in need while also strengthening your relationship and your family bonds.
Oh, and don’t forget to share a donut or two along the way this holiday season as well.
Want more information on heart-centered programs for kids? Check out Julie online at www.JulieSmith.com!
Parenting 101: Goal Gusto – Setting the “Goaled” Standard for the New School Year
Happy New Year! Happy new school year, that is. Whether your child began school in mid-August or just after Labor Day, September is the traditional mark of school being back in full swing.
Much like January 1, the start of a new school year is a chance for a fresh start. With a fresh start comes an opportunity for your child set his or her “goaled” standard.
By definition, goal setting is “the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.” Typically, goal setters follow a rigid approach, requiring goals by written down and step created to form an action plan that you follow step-by-step.
This approach is great in theory, but it rarely happens in practice. Why? Because goals are more than just an achievement; goals are experiences, hopes, dreams, desires. And, for kids, goals are a way to power up their wishes and make them come true.
How to Make Goal Setting the Standard for Your Child
Make a Wish: Ask your child what his or her wish is for this school year. Does your sixth grader wish to have an A-average in math? Perhaps your kindergartener wants to read her first chapter book by the end of the school year? Once he or she makes a wish (or two or three), ask them to write it down in present tense. For example, I am earning an A-average in math class this year.
Make a Commitment: If you asked your child which is better: thinking about ice cream or eating it, what would he or she say? My guess is that the answer would be eating. Wishes are like that ice cream. A wish that doesn’t come true is like ice cream that you only think about but never get to eat. When you make a commitment that you are going to eat the ice cream, you are going to do anything in your power to make that happen. So, ask your child to make a commitment to this wish. Better yet, have them write down their commitment and then sign it, date it and post in a prominent place.
Get SMART about Powering Up a Wish: This is the where the goal-setting process that we are familiar with sets in. It’s also where your child gets SMART about his or her wish by stating what they want in a specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely manner. Help your child set a SMART goal by adding more tangibles. For example, I will be on Honor Roll with a 3.75 GPA by December 14, 2011.
Take ‘em by Storm: Brainstorming is a great way for you child to come up with a strategy for reaching this goal. Give your child a giant piece of paper and some markers to list or even draw all the ways this goal might be reached. Be sure to include the far-fetched to the easy to grasp. Once he or she feels they have spilled all their ideas onto the paper, ask them to choose a few strategies that they feel would work best for them.
Get into Action: Now it is time to get into action and make that goal (and wish) come true! Take some time to plan with your child when he will do the strategies he chose. You may want to consider marking them on a family calendar or have your child keep a daily to-do list. Keep your child accountable to getting actions done by checking in with him or her and even making a progress chart to track their action steps.
Seeing the Future: Have your child spend time each day imaging (aka visualizing) their wish coming true. What does it look like when she reads that first chapter book? What does it feel like? She can do this by simply closing her eyes and picturing herself having or doing the things she wants. Another way to imagine is to create what’s called a vision board. A vision board is a collage or picture that focus on your child’s wish. To make one, have your child choose pictures, photos or other things that get her excited about the goal. Then paste them, color, draw and write on a piece of colorful poster board or construction paper. Place the vision board somewhere your child can look at during the day. You might want to keep it close to the bed or even posted above the bed so your child can look at when he or she wakes up and falls asleep.
Celebrate! To really set the goaled standard this year for your child, remember to have little celebrations along the way. Staying happy and having fun are an important part of your child’s success. Think about some ways that you might reward your child when he has made it halfway to his goal. Also, ask him to think about how he’d like to celebrate when he gets to his goal.
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
Parenting 101: From Tinkertoys to Tiddleywinks – Using the Power of Play to Boost your Child’s Confidence
Recently, my kids and I were running down the stairs “throwing” spells from Harry Potter at each other. An hour later, we were building a fort out of plastic cups. Later, we chased each other around the yard until they collapsed on the trampoline in a fit of laughter. Seems like a fun, lighthearted day, doesn’t it? It was. It was also an incredible boost their confidence.
By nature, we are born to play. It’s instinctual. Playing helps children not just survive, but thrive, by connecting your child’s ideas, feelings and creativity, to what he or she understands about the world. It helps children develop a sense of well-being and identity.
Play can also help children develop a sense of command over their responses to tragedies, setbacks and obstacles. It can both calm and relax while simultaneously stimulating the brain and body. Play helps children become more inventive, smart, happy, flexible, and resilient. Play is fundamental grow physical, emotional and social growth.
How can you make sure your child is getting the most out of playtime?
Make playtime YOUR priority – Playtime isn’t just for kids. It is just as important for you to play as it is for your kids too. Play is essential to our physical and mental health as is getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising. As parents, we often take playtime for granted. It’s easy when we have an endless task list of laundry, meal prep, sports, shopping, chauffeuring, working and more. However play is the time when a majority of parents say they feel most alive. So, eschew the laundry for a bit and go play Twister with your kids. Your kids will soon model your light-hearted nature as a way of handling everyday stressors.
Think playtime not just toy time – At times, it may feel like your son or daughter has a never-ending supply of toys to occupy his or her time. And, yes, toys can enhance playtime. However, you are really the ultimate plaything for your child. Your attention positively feeds your child’s self-esteem. It shows your child that you think he or she matters. So, from blowing bubbles at each other to singing silly songs to playing hide and seek, look for ways to play that involve movement, touch and you.
Get over it and get silly and dirty – It’s easy to worry about what others may think if you are getting silly or goofy with your kids. I have three words for you: Get. Over. It. Your kids love seeing you act like kids. When you let loose, be goofy and let your kids see your silly side your kids will not only be excited; they’ll be engaged and connected.
Put your child in the driver’s seat when it comes to choosing activities – When playing with your child, let him or her choose activities and control the direction of the play. Yes, you can suggest new things or present new options, but give your child permission to be the boss. This is a great way to allow your child to exercise his voice and flex his independence muscle. Plus, play is about fun, and if there’s one thing your child good at being the boss of, it’s having a good time.
The attention you show your child when you play together is key to building his self-esteem. Whether you are digging in the mud, drinking tea with teddy, playing a video game or just singing a few goofy songs, you are showing your child that you accept him and his make-believe world. You are also showing your child that you value her and her interests; you are showing that her she is important to you. And, that is the ultimate boost to anyone’s confidence.
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
Parenting 101: Family Challenge Adventures – How Outdoor Adventures Help Kids Climb to New Heights of Confidence
When you hear the word adventure, what does it bring to mind? The thrill of skydiving in New Zealand? The heart-stopping excitement of running with the bulls in Spain? An adrenaline-filled cliff dive in Mexico? Imagine feeling to-the-moon confident and ready to take on the world.
What if I told you that you can recreate those same feelings in your child, even your family, without stepping foot outside the county, let alone stepping off a cliff? How? With an outdoor family adventure challenge.
An outdoor family adventure challenge can be anything that takes you out of your comfort zone – running a mile, hiking a mountain or even joining a beach clean-up. There’s nothing like accomplishing something as a family to bring you closer together.
Challenge is essential for emotional growth and social learning. Challenging yourself and the kids to try something exciting and new – together – develops leadership skills, boosts confidence and teamwork. Family adventure challenges also provide opportunities to foster integrity, responsibility and respect.
These challenges also allow children to push themselves a bit beyond what they believe themselves capable of and to persevere in tough situations. When families create adventure challenges, they are providing a supportive space for children to discover what is possible while building a sense of their potential. The inevitable result of adventure challenges is self-confidence. Confidence grows with each sense of accomplishment.
So, does this mean you have to go out and jump head first out of a plane? Not at all. Family challenge adventures can be quite, well, family-friendly.
Ideas for a Family-Friendly Adventure Challenge
Create a backyard obstacle course – Use your lawn chairs, cardboard boxes or cones to set up an obstacle course in your own backyard. Use a stopwatch to see which family member makes it through in the best time. This provides healthy competition as well as a benchmark to gauge individual and family achievement and improvement.
Hike and climb – Taking a hike up to the top of a mountain is a great way to boost a child’s self-esteem. Ascending the mountain can feel like a rite of passage. Be sure to snap a photo of your child at the summit to mark this milestone!
Train and complete a 10K – Recently, I challenged my own kids to walk/jog a 10K with me. While my son is quite active, none of us had ever run a full mile. Each week, we trained doing fun outdoor games, hikes and jogs until the race day came. I’m happy to say that each of us completed it (my son did it in a little over an hour)! My favorite part of the event was at the finish line when my 9-year-old daughter said, “Mom, I didn’t think I could do this at the beginning, and now look, I’m crossing the finish line. I’m so proud of me!”
Survival challenge – Challenge your family to fine-tune their survival instincts during your next day at the park or campout. You can split up in teams or remain together. Either way, provide the group(s) with a compass and directions to get to find you at a certain spot (picnic table, tent, etc). Be sure to equip them with a walkie-talkie and a few other necessities (water, a light snack, sunscreen) and then let them discover their way back to you. This exercise is truly a fantastic and fun way to test and rely upon one’s instincts and to work together.
Some of the most memorable learning experiences occur when we leave our daily routine. They truly do provide, well, adventure, challenge and loads of fun. So, whether cliff diving in Mexico or jumping over lawn chairs, your child and your whole family can and will boost their confidence while discovering new possibilities for themselves and the world.
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
Parenting 101: Raise a Leader, Not a Bully – How to Encourage Pro-Social Behavior in Your Child
Recently, I was chatting with some moms at school. One said, “Oh my goodness, did you hear about ‘so and so’; he’s becoming quite the bully. My kid would never do that.” We all nodded our heads in agreement. Fast forward two days later, her son was seen pushing a handful of kids on the playground and teasing a girl about her weight.
None of us want to think that our child(ren) would or could do that. But, what if your child really is the bully?
So, how can you prevent – or stop – your child from bullying and instead encourage them to be a leader?
How to Encourage Pro-Social Behavior in Your Child
Nurture empathy and gratitude – We are all born with the capacity to be empathetic; however, being born with something doesn’t guarantee it will develop on its own. Take the time to develop empathy in your child. One of the easiest ways to nurture empathy is to have your child consider the needs and concerns of others. This can be done by simply asking, “How would YOU feel if ‘so and so’ happened?”
Teach your child to positive ways to lead – Bullies actually have phenomenal leadership abilities. Teach your child to use their leadership ability in positive ways such as volunteering at the library, helping out neighbors or donating some of their allowance/toys/clothing to help others.
Monitor media, such as TV, video games and music – Media doesn’t necessarily cause mean behavior, but it can cultivate a culture of mean. An example of shows that could contribute to a ‘culture of mean’ are iCarly and Wipeout. I watch these shows with my kids, and, yes, there are a few silly guffaws. However, there are also many scenes with repeated and intentional remarks, teasing and even violence. Rather than forbidding shows such as these, watch and discuss them with your kids. Have them identify certain behaviors and talk to them about the impact these behaviors can have. To really bring home the message, have them relate these behaviors to their own life.
Get them involved in physical activities – Horseback riding, soccer, rock climbing, hiking, running – even jump-roping and bowling are great activities to help kids redirect their energy into something positive. Involvement in activities also helps your child to learn friendship and teamwork skills as well as build self-esteem.
Finally, lead by example – We all have situations that require us to make moral decisions. If your child sees you in a sticky situation, talk about it. Let your child know that there were many different ways to handle the circumstance and talk about the choice(s) you made. This will help them learn to consider their own actions and choices. If they see you taking the moral high ground, they’ll be much more likely to do so as well.
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
The Road Less Traveled: Lending a Helping Hand – Getting Children Started in Volunteering
Children of almost any age can start to understand the value of helping others through volunteering. Not only is volunteering an invaluable teaching tool for parents, it gives children a sense of value and belonging in both their family and their community.
Take Chloe, age 6, as an example of the power of volunteering. While enjoying a bike ride around town with her dad, she noticed a homeless man sitting alongside a building. She couldn’t understand why he didn’t have clean clothes or a place to live. “He looked so sad and I just wanted him to be happy,” Chloe shared with me during a recent Character Clubs class. “I just wanted to help him.”
And help she did. With the support of her family, Chloe learned that she could volunteer her time and efforts to collect food items, blankets and clothes for a local homeless shelter. Today, Chloe, now 10, continues to volunteer and loves every minute of it. She’s not alone. Many kids (and their parents) are finding out that they really enjoy volunteering.
Volunteer experiences expose them to new people, situations and environments that they may not come across in “regular” life, giving them an opportunity to see their life in new ways. Performing acts of service can bring kids in touch with people of different backgrounds, abilities, ethnicities, ages, and education and income levels.
Through volunteering, children learn that even the most diverse individuals can be connected by common values. It also gives them an opportunity to change lives, including their own.
Getting Children Started in Volunteering
#1: Model the importance of service – When children see you helping others, they will learn to copy that behavior. Soon, service will become a habit for them (and you)!
#2: Incorporate volunteer work into things you are already doing – Does your child love to draw? Ask them to create artwork for hospital patients. Do they enjoy singing or dancing? He or she could perform at a local eldercare facility. Is cooking your child’s passion? Perhaps she could bake cookies for her teachers or even help deliver meals for organizations such as Meals on Wheels.
#3: Let your child lead – If there is something that they are interested in, then find a way they can get involved and help. My children love horses, dogs and nature, so we have found ways to volunteer in each of those areas. Getting your children excited about helping others is easiest when it is something they are already excited about.
#4: Remember that everyone makes a difference – Even the smallest child (with adult supervision) can pick up garbage at the park, playground, or beach. You don’t even have to be part of a big effort to do this. Get your family together, find some garbage bags, and head out.
The opportunities to volunteer are endless and the benefits are limitless. Volunteering truly is an important step in building a better family, community and world. More than that, though, volunteering can be one of the most satisfying, fun and memorable experiences of growing up for your child. So, get involved and start making memories today!
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
The Power of Playgroups – Building a Support Community for You and Your Child
You did it! You endured hours of sidesplitting contractions and an “ohmigosh, I just created life” delivery. You navigated nursing, diapering, and sleeping at the drop of a dime. You’ve endured countless hours of Blues Clues and Dora the Explorer.
And, just when you are ready to take on the world, it hits you. You want something more – a sense of belonging, a connection, for you and your child. Enter the world of playgroups.
Building a Support Community for You and Your Child
A playgroup is a group of similar-aged children (babies to school-age) and their parents that regularly meet. Playgroups invite mom to widen her friendship orb and bond with others while providing children with consistent opportunities to learn socialization and develop their own friendships.
More than that, though, playgroups offer a sense of belonging and connection. This feeling of connectedness is something each child – each person – needs. It lets him or her know that another person cares. It’s that connectedness that builds a community that supports and inspires that child and all children.
When children feel supported by a community, they have an increased interest in contributing to the community and making it function well. That interest inspires children to reciprocate by support those within that community. They begin to encourage each other’s learning. Children learn to trust, resolve conflicts peacefully, think creatively, and care for others. Children learn to take ownership for their own choices.
Children need to feel a sense of belonging, both with similar-aged peers and adults. A playgroup community provides children with adult role models who can help them develop a sense of civic and social responsibility. Those adults become a resource for a child’s learning of how the world works. Social-emotional and academic learning occurs more readily because children have fewer concerns about their place within the community.
Playgroups offer us a time to laugh, to cry, to talk, to listen, but most of all, playgroups offer us a time to feel – feel connected to other parents, connected to the world and ultimately connected to our families. Children are more than our future; they are our present, and playgroups have the power to embrace our children as the tomorrow’s leader today.
Interested in starting a conversation of character in your home? Check out Julie Watson Smith’s workbook, Karmic Acts of Character.
Putting a STOP to Bullying – What Parents Can Do to Put a Stop to Bullying
We all hear about bullying and the negative impact on kids and their self-confidence, but until it happens to you, it’s difficult to imagine how it feels as a parent knowing your child is the victim and not some abstract story you hear about on the news.
I didn’t think much of it when I picked my 10-year-old up from basketball camp when he was a little quiet because he was bound to be tired from the 9-hour days at camp. When he was still quiet when I gave him the milkshake, I thought something may be going on, wondering if it was more than the exhaustion from non-stop basketball drills were the reason he barely even touched it.
So I asked, “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” Silence. I knew something was wrong, and in 5-4-3-2-1 seconds, I knew exactly what it was – bullying.
Shedding a tear, he said, “Mom, a lot of guys were taunting me today. It was terrible. They made fun of my jersey, told me my favorite player sucked and then said I sucked because I missed a bunch of shots. Then I got bullied on the court and pushed down. It went on all day.” By then the tears were flowing full stream.
My heart sunk. I wanted to protect my boy. I wanted take away the pain. And, in all honestly, I wanted to yell back at the boys who had bullied my son. But I didn’t do any of that.
Instead, I pulled the car over, looked directly at him and said, “I’m so sorry, Finn. That stinks. Big time. There are so many things I could say to you right now about how to handle yourself. First, though, I think it is more important to let you cry. Get all those feelings of frustration out. Then, I think a big sip of your shake is due. Also, finally, if you want, I’d love to give you a giant hug.” He took advantage of all three, and once he calmed down, we were able to talk.
Bullying is still seen by some as normal behavior that is “not big deal,” and while many cases of bullying do resolve themselves, bullying should not be taken lightly. Overreacting is not a good idea either. It’s important to assess the seriousness of the situation and respond accordingly.
How to STOP the Bullying Without Singling Your Child Out
#1: Keep your feelings in check – As a parent, you want to protect your child at all costs, especially when he or she is hurt. However, your child wants to protect you as well. When you show how upset you are, it adds more charge to the situation.
A parent overreacting can fuel any insecurities or anxieties your child is feeling causing him or her to shut down. Your child can feel like they are to blame for causing you grief. Instead, save those feelings until you are alone, and ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?”
#2: Provide a safe space for your child to express his or her feelings – Young people are emotional warehouses. They are filled with happiness, sadness, joy, frustration, calm, anger and so much more. As a parent, let your child know that it is okay to express those emotions.
Give him or her permission to cry or yell or just sit. Releasing those emotions in a safe space allows your child to move through the situation rather than hold it in or ignore it.
#3: Talk it out – Children are often reluctant to talk about being the victim of bullying so it is important to reassure them that talking about it will help and that you care about their well-being. Also, many kids think that telling their parents or teachers about being a victim of bullying will only make it worse so be sure to take positive steps that will not instigate the problem.
Ask your child what he or she has tried to do to stop the bullying and give them other ways to stop it. Give your child permission and suggestions on how to stop bullying themselves: using humor, or just remaining calm will stop bullying. When children react confidently and assert themselves to a bully, he will often stop without adult intervention.
Bullying is not about being right or wrong. It’s about feeling heard. Bullies want to feel heard. And, contrary to popular believe, bullies do not have low esteem. Actually, bullies generally feel good about themselves. They bully others for power.
Encourage your child to understand that just because someone says something about him or her doesn’t make it true. If your child diffuses the situation by shrugging it off or laughing – even if it is at oneself – it shows confidence. Again, the bullying isn’t really about your child. It’s about the bully feeling powerful, and bullies are less likely to feel powerful around those who feel confident.
#4: Continue to support your child in other ways – One of the best self-esteem boosters is to cultivate a habit of gratitude. Realizing your blessing can help to act as a shield against negative responses.
A few good exercises in gratitude include having a gratitude board (use a white board and write your blessings on it each day), a gratitude jar (write down notes of gratitude in a jar and pull them out at dinner), or just sharing what you are grateful for each day at breakfast, dinner or bedtime.
#5: Depending on the severity, report the bullying – If your child is a victim of bullying and it is cruel enough to cause physical, emotional or self-esteem damage, then you and your child should inform your child’s teacher and principal about the situation.
Schools have no tolerance for bullying and if they are aware of what is going on will work with parents and students to create a solution. Confronting the parent of your child’s bully may or may not be a good idea, so talk with the school first.
Sometimes the parents of a child who is bullying others will be unaware of what is going on and will be willing to help. Other times, those parents may deny that there is a problem or not want to help. Children are often afraid that they bully will find out that they told on them and bully them even more severely. While it is a legitimate fear, taking the proper, positive action will usually not result in more bullying.
Thankfully for us, there is a happy ending to our story. The next morning, as my son got ready for his last day of basketball camp, the tears were gone. They had been replaced with a renewed sense of worth.
As he put on a basketball jersey similar to the one he wore yesterday, I asked, “Is that the shirt you are wearing today?” His reply was, “Yep. I don’t really care what these kids think or say. I’m going wear my shirt because I like it. And, if they tease me, I’m going to say ‘Dude, really’ cuz bottom line is I don’t care if they like me because I like me.”
Has your child experienced bullying? What steps did you take to support your child and stop the bullying? Please share your experience in the comments below!
Julie Watson Smith, MHS, is a Leadership Mentor and the founder of Character Clubs, an afterschool program designed to inspire character, confidence and community in kids, ages 3-13. Julie is a vocal advocate for creating a culture of character that helps children learn to lead at home, school and in the world. To start the conversation in your home, check out her workbook, Karmic Acts of Character, designed for families.
Parenting 101: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and It was Daddy! How to Break the News about Santa Claus
A few weeks ago, my ten-year-old son asked if I was the tooth fairy. “What makes you think that,” I asked. “I found a secret supply of gold glitter which looked just like fairy dust.”
Oops. Guess it’s time to find better hiding places!
It seemed like the right time to share the truth with him. After the tears dried and sadness subsided (mine and his), he asked, “So, is Santa real or are you Santa too?”
Gulp.
Learning the truth about Santa Claus is a milestone towards adulthood. It’s a big step towards growing up. And while I was around my son’s age when I found out about Santa, I wasn’t sure my son was ready. Heck, I wasn’t sure I was ready.
Santa Claus is the symbol of childhood innocence. The big red guy resides in a place where fantasy and reality intermingle. Uncovering the truth can cause those worlds to separate. Learning that Santa Clause isn’t real can be a difficult transition for children and parents alike.
How to Break the News that Santa Claus isn’t REAL
#1: Let your child initiate the conversation. Instead of saying, “It’s about time you learned the truth,” or “You’re old enough to know…”, let your child come to you when they are ready. Keep in mind, many children already have an idea about Santa; they just like to keep the tradition going.
#2: Be truthful and considerate. Blurting out, “Yep, I’m Santa. It’s been me the whole time. I’m sooo glad I got that off my chest,” may be truthful, but there is a better way. Share the history of the real St. Nick and how you enjoy keeping that joy and magic alive.
#3: Be empathetic. Put yourself in your child’s place. What would you need from someone if you were in his or her situation? How would you feel? Angry or betrayed? Confused or worried? Now, consider what your child needs from you. If your child feels lied to, give him or her easy-to-understand examples, such as how you kept daddy’s birthday party a secret to surprise him or how you played pretend or dress up because it made everyone happy. Also, be sure to give hugs, time and space. Children are great healers.
#4: Don’t make your child feel wrong or discount their feelings. Avoid saying things like, “That’s life. You’ll learn many things are not what you think they are,” “I’m surprised it took you this long to figure this out since so many younger kids already know” or even “Get over it. I’ve heard enough from you about Santa Claus.”
#5: Keep Santa as part of your holiday tradition. Once your child knows, don’t jump off the Santa Claus bandwagon. Reassure him or her that holidays will still be special. Let them continue believing in the magic. Children often find comfort and acceptance in playing along with you. So, put out the cookies, track Santa on Christmas Eve and yes, have Santa presents under the tree.
Santa may not be “real,” but he does live. Santa is the jolly bearded man at the mall listening to the children’s holiday wishes. He is the red-suited woman ringing the bell by a donation bucket. He is the mom and dad who sneak downstairs after the kids have gone to sleep to put treasures under the tree. He is the joy and wonder of twinkling lights on Christmas Eve and the excitement of discovering a half-empty glass of milk and cookie crumbs on Christmas morning.
Santa Clause is the spirit of kindness and giving – something that lives in each and every one of us. And that is very real.
