Parenting 101: Mom Versus the Kids Power Struggles – How to Handle the Ultimate Game of Tug-of-War
“Do it now! Because I said so!”
Remember vowing that you would never say those words to your children? Me too and yet I’ve heard those very words come out of my mouth. So much for Thought I Had As A Child #54: “I’ll never say that stupid thing my mom just said to me to MY kids!”.
Even if you haven’t said those EXACT words, chances are you have said one of the many variations on the same theme. You know, “Yes, you DO need to do it now. Now get going. Now. NOW. Stop arguing with me. Do it.”
Parents absolutely need to be lovingly and FIRMLY in charge. Where it gets sticky is where parents tell their child to do something, the child doesn’t do it, and the power struggle begins. A power struggle is the beginning of your picking up the rope to begin the game of tug of war. It means you want to win instead of teach.
How the Ultimate Game of Tug of War Starts
The tug of war game begins when your child says no or just doesn’t do what you say, and you and she get in a verbal wrestling match (picking up the rope). Words start flying and before you know it, you’re so angry that your authority has been threatened and that your child has been so disrespectful (in either word, deed, or both) that you say and do things you later regret.
Maybe you make threats, or yell. Maybe you explain why your child needs to do what you say NOW, and then back them into a corner until you “win.” In this case, “winning” means your child does what you ask. But at what price to the relationship? At what price to your sanity?
Many parents have asked me, “Well, how am I supposed to teach my child that I mean business, even if they don’t want to do what I say? What kind of employer is going to want someone like that around?”
The first thing to remember is that you can’t “make” someone do anything: especially anything having to do with going to the bathroom in a certain place, eating, sleeping and other biological functions. You can, however, teach them by modeling and by inspiring them to cooperate.
It may sound like a cop-out, like I’m advocating mollycoddling your child and trying to “convince” them to do what you ask. I’m not. I’m saying that power struggles have more to do with real struggles than they do real power. REAL power, authentic power, doesn’t involve threats, guilt-trips, and power plays.
In fact, one of the ways you know you’re in your authentic power with your child is when you are acting more than talking. Talking, explaining, yelling, cajoling in the heat of the moment means you’ve lost your authentic power and you’re using words to try to regain it.
If you’ve ever felt tired of power struggles but haven also wondered how to handle them without being too lenient and just giving in, you’re not alone. Power struggles are like our own personal litmus test for how clear we are about our boundaries and how willing we are to enforce them with action and not words.
Power struggles bring up all of our power issues from our own parenting. We tend to parent in the ways we were parented and also in opposition to how we were parented. If your parents were super strict and you felt controlled, you might react by going in the opposite direction with your own children. Or not.
The first key is to be aware of your beliefs about power and parenting. The second key is to get clear on how engaging your child in power struggle is causing you pain. Do you regret what you say? Is your relationship suffering? Do you feel guilty that your children do what you say only after you’ve yelled at them five times? Do you call your child names when you’re angry and then feel awful about it?
How to Put a Stop to the Mom versus Kids Power Struggle
Power struggles are one of the biggest stressors for parents. They bring out the worst in parents and children.
#1: Prevent them before you start. Make sure your children know what you expect of them, and that they have the requisite skills to do it. Don’t laugh, but as a new mom I thought it was age-appropriate for my two year old to put all her toys away—by herself. Was it any wonder that she melted down after putting two away?
#2: Know your own anger cues. When your child pushes your buttons, what happens in your body? Do you get short of breath? Does your face get hot? Does your heart race? Knowing what happens at the beginning of the anger cycle means you can calm yourself down by taking a breath and putting a PAUSE between you and your behavior. Acting in anger is one of the many ways that keeps power struggles going. It may seem like the last thing you want to do, but if you make calming yourself the first thing you do, you’ll be in a better position to discipline (and since discipline means “to teach” and you teach by what you do, calming yourself is a powerful skill to model).
#3: Say it once and follow through. Power struggles thrive on words just as cars run on gas. There’s no need to explain yourself if you’ve been clear about your expectations up front, AND made sure your kids know how to do what you ask.
#4: Watch your thoughts. Many a mom has resolved to stay away from power struggles only to find herself “hooked” by thoughts such as, “She can’t get away with this!” and “Unless I do something now he’s getting away with murder!” Know that staying calm and refraining from explaining yourself is NOT the same thing as letting your child “get away with it.” Let the consequences do the teaching.
#5: Remember that it takes two to play tug of war: drop the rope, and there’s no game. “Dropping the rope” isn’t the same thing as “giving in.” Rather, it means that you are willing to take a breath, calm yourself down, and when you’re ready, ACT, rather than react.
The funny thing about power struggles is that your children are watching you to see how you handle them. They may not know it, but they are wanting to know if you can remain calm and in charge while they are pushing back at you. It’s not easy to “drop the rope,” but in the long run, it’ll make parenting so much easier!
Download Karen’s Free Audio and Guide on “How To Get Your Kids To Listen And Do What You Say” at www.theguiltfreemom.com
Mommy Mojo: Suffering from Holiday Overwhelm? How to Use your Mom GPS to Go from Frazzled to Dazzled
“Deck the halls with mommy’s tantrums! Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!” That could have been my theme song in previous years.
I never wanted to be one of those moms who had regrets about the holidays–or specifically, regrets about how she behaved during the holidays! However, with a to-do list a mile long, a perfectionism streak a mile wide, and unrealistic expectations a mile deep, I’ve gotten lost more than once in holiday overwhelm. And by overwhelm I mean I’ve been short-tempered with my kids, hard on myself, and excellent in being a martyr and trying to “do it all.”
Over the years, I’ve learned how to prevent this holiday overwhelm from stealing my joy, and you can, too. Just as you use your car’s GPS to help you get from one place to another, so can you use your “mom GPS” to help you reduce stress and enjoy the holidays.
The secret is to focus on what I call the three E’s: energy, expectations, and experiences. You only have so much energy to go around, so it’s important to direct it towards activities that really matter. When you do that, your expectations tend to be more realistic and positive, AND you tend to enjoy your experiences more.
How to Use G-P-S to go from FRAZZLED to Dazzled!
#1: G= Grounding
Imagine a tree, with its roots spiraling deep into the ground. Its secure base means that a storm may knock a few leaves or branches off, but the tree itself will remain steadfast.
Ground yourself in your secure base by taking five minutes in the morning, before anyone else is awake, and center yourself by breathing deeply, noting what you’re grateful for, and setting your intention for the day.
When you start your day focused on your appreciations and intentions your energy grows. If you find your mind wandering to your ever-growing to-do list, gently notice it and go right back to appreciating.
Engaging in family traditions is another way to get grounded. Every year, our family prints out a map of all the local houses decked out with holiday lights, heads to Starbucks for hot apple cider and hot chocolate, and enjoys the sights.
This tradition gives our family a sense of identity of the shared memories. It grounds us to the present moment by allowing us to “Oooohhhh” and “Ahhhhhh” together at something we all love: lights.
#2: P=Preparing
Before I learned how to “ground” myself, I thought the holidays were all about preparing. After all, there was shopping to do, goodies to bake, cards to send, and much more. However, I also discovered another powerful way to look at the holiday preparation process.
Since holidays are busy times, kids’ routines and schedules are often disrupted leading to their feeling overwhelmed and possibly expressing it in behaviors you find less than desirable! Overcome this by talking with them ahead of time about what to expect.
Going to Grandma’s for dinner and worried that your 5-year-old will be bored and overtired? Talk to them about it. Explain what will happen: “Dinner is normally at 6 at our house, but grandma likes to eat at 3 o’clock. Since there won’t be many kids there to play with, let’s talk about what you can do to entertain yourself” and what skills they will need to use. Then practice!
The more you explain to your child ahead of time what is going to happen, what you expect, and can troubleshoot any problems, the more you set yourself up for success. Another bonus? You’ll prevent your child’s meltdowns, thereby saving your energy to actually enjoy holiday!
Another way of preparing for the holidays and managing your energy is to delegate. You’re not doing anyone any favors by trying to cook, bake, shop, entertain and decorate all by yourself. In fact, you may even be depriving them of helping you!
Seriously. The more you involve your family in preparing for the holiday, the more they are invested in its outcome. The keys are to be clear ahead of time on what you expect and to make sure that your children know how to do what’s expected of them. If you draw up a list of what needs to be done, ask your family to contribute to the list and then delegate based on age and talent, everyone wins.
#3: S=Simplify
As a recovering perfectionist, this one is the hardest for me. I used to think that if I’m simplifying I’m leaving something super important out. What I discovered is that simplifying really means honing in on what is truly important to me and my family and letting the rest go.
One way to simplify is to look back at previous holidays that went well. What activities did you and your family enjoy? When were you at your most peaceful?
For example, if I look back over the years, I can clearly see that making and decorating sugar cookies with my girls has brought all of us much joy. We love to use our hands to be creative. However, making all of the traditional holiday treats of my childhood put me over the edge! So, sugar cookies stay and I’ll either buy those other treats or let them go!
Look to the past for clues of what to focus on now. Of course, there may come a time when my girls no longer want to make cookies with me. That’s okay – I can focus on another way to be creative together to build memories. The key is to be inspired by what’s worked well in the past while being flexible enough to make tweaks.
Another way to simplify is to jot down a list of values and inner qualities that you want to make sure you share with your children this holiday season. On my list are charity, kindness, patience, creativity, etc.
Since there’s never enough time to do everything we want to do, I sit down and think about which activities and traditions support the values and qualities on my list. Putting together a shoebox of essentials for needy kids meets the same needs for our family as serving in a soup kitchen. The question is: which one best fits into our lives right now?
This is a way to let go of (without guilt) any activities that stress you out. Once you’re clear on WHY you want to do the activity, you can then decide if it stays or goes. Think of simplifying as a gift you give yourself and your family because when you have fewer items to cross off on our to-do list, you end up able to really enjoy the ones you actually do.
As busy moms, our energy is one of our most important commodities. However, besides tempting us to eat tasty treats, the holidays can also tempt us to pile more and more onto our to-do lists. Resist!
By focusing on grounding, preparing and simplifying (our “Mom GPS”), we become more productive and intentional by doing less. Peace of mind is the gift that keeps on giving, no matter what the season!
Mommy Mojo: Does This Mom Guilt Make My Butt Look Fat? 5 Simple Steps to Overcoming Toxic Guilt
Why do we assume that just because we are moms that we HAVE to feel guilty? Seriously. Mom guilt is now talked about as though it’s just something moms have to go through as part of the induction into the club of motherhood.
There are two kinds of guilt: healthy guilt when your conscience is nudging you to try again or stop doing what you’re doing and toxic guilt when you have that all-pervasive feeling that no matter what you do, you’re just a bad mother.
Toxic Guilt is like cholesterol that clogs our arteries, squeezing. Healthy guilt is what keeps us in check and guides our actions. It whispers to us, “Oops. Try again”, but toxic guilt shouts at us, “You’ll never get it right or measure up.” But guess what? Toxic guilt is optional.
I repeat: toxic guilt is optional.
Behind the Culture of Toxic Mom Guilt
The culture we live in doesn’t make it any easier for us tap into what really matters. The message of the parenting culture screams, “Look ‘out there’ to see where the answers are to how you’re doing. Read this book. Watch this show. Look at what that mom is doing and do it.”
Since we’re busy, it’s easy to listen to the culture; after all, we live in it. Oh, and let’s not forget the fast pace of our culture – the one that would have us be so busy that we don’t have time to slow down.
Think of it this way – the culture doesn’t always have your best interests at heart. It’s humming right along at the speed of light, and it’s very easy to go right along with it. Sometimes that’s great. And sometimes it’s not.
There’s a yin and a yang to everything, which means that there’s some good in the culture. In my mom’s generation, moms often didn’t talk as freely about what scared them, stressed them, angered them, and confused them. My mother didn’t have books and websites to help her realize that what she was experiencing was “normal”. That generation was just expected to “buck up” and “deal with it.”
Our current culture is one where moms can be real about what’s keeping them awake at night so they can support one another. When we’re clear on who we are, what strengths we bring to the table, and what kind of kids we want to raise, parenting resources can be quite helpful.
Nowadays, there is so MUCH for moms to pay attention to in order to parent, it can make your head spin. Between the blogs, YouTube videos, TV experts, book and other resources, it’s enough to make your head to explode from too much information. That’s when we feel guilty about “doing it wrong” or question our own instincts.
How do you know when you’re doing “it” right?!?
5 Ways to Get Rid of the Toxic Mom Guilt
#1: Filter – Run all parenting advice through the filter of your own values and what you know to be true about YOUR family. Use this filter to let in what resonates with you and let the rest go.
There’s a ton of parenting info out there on how to tame tantrums, how to get your child to sleep, how to do pretty much anything you want to do as a mom. But here’s the rub: most of it conflicts. “Always practice co-sleeping so you bond with your child and she’ll grow up confident.” “Never sleep with your child! That raises a child that’s dependent on you, plus it’s dangerous.”
Your filter is what keeps you from getting overwhelmed by it and only letting in what makes sense for YOU. If we feel guilty, chances are good that our filter’s holes are too big and not selective enough.
#2: Match your parenting style to YOUR child – Know your and your child’s temperaments and set up your home to match them as much as possible.
Yes, there’s a lot of information out there on parenting, but not all of it fits our child. If you’re extroverted and crave being around people, and your child is introverted and craves staying at home playing by herself, you may feel frustrated that your needs conflict with your child’s. Or, you may wonder if your child is too shy and if something is wrong with her.
Do not underestimate the idea of fit – the interplay between your and your child’s temperaments – and how it can make parenting harder. Knowledge is power. If your child is extraverted and is constantly asking you, “What are we going to do next? Who are we going to see?” you’ll understand why they’re asking that, especially if you’re an introvert.
Sometimes, just knowing why our kids or we do something is enough to take the guilt away because we can let go of blaming ourselves.
#3: Know what restores your energy – Get clear on if you get your mojo back by being around others or by being alone.
When we’re not clear on how we fill back up when our energy is depleted, OR we feel guilty about taking the time to fill back up, we can get in a downward spiral of resenting our family. Or, we think we “should” love going out for margaritas with our girlfriends as a way to refuel, when really, we’d rather curl up with a good book, and pet the cat.
#4: Stop comparing – Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others.
We compare our insides with other mom’s outsides. See that mom over there? You know, the one with the perfect hair and clothes, whose kids are impeccably dressed and her car doesn’t have old food crumbs in it? It’s easy to look at her, compare yourself and think, “Ugh. I’m not like that. I feel so guilty.”
The truth is you don’t know what’s going on inside that mom. Trust me – she has her own demons she’s wrestling with.
#5: Take action – When you feel guilt, decide if it’s about something you can and want to change and, if it is, take action. Otherwise, it’s toxic guilt and is optional.
It’s high time that mom guilt is popular enough to be talked about in the mainstream culture. Let’s face it: moms deserve relief. Motherhood and toxic guilt do not have to go together.
You can find your healthy core of who you really are without the guilt, create your own filter, and live guilt-free and get back to enjoying parenting and be the mom you want to be.
Download Karen’s Free Audio and Guide on “How To Get Your Kids To Listen And Do What You Say” at www.theguiltfreemom.com
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