Behind the glory: Olympic wife Aly Pain shares the challenges of supporting her husband’s pursuit of gold

Meet Aly Pain.  MOMeo, mother of two, professional relationship coach, author…wife?

“If I’m just a housekeeper and nanny (he) gets to bang, count me out,” says Pain.

Sound angry?  She is.  What did her husband do to earn such ire?  He succeeded.

Aly’s husband Jeff Pain is a skeleton athlete.  A Winter Olympic sport, skeleton is essentially luge, only the athletes lie on their stomachs, face down and forward.  It’s a thrilling but dangerous sport, even by the advanced standards of the Winter Olympics.

Make no mistake: Jeff Pain is very, very good.  From Bobsleigh Canada’s website:

Arguably the most accomplished athlete in the history of the Canadian skeleton program, Jeff Pain has also solidified himself as one of the top athletes in the world having won nearly everything available in his sport. Jeff is a multiple World Cup champion, a two-time World Champion and Olympic silver medallist.

So what’s the problem?  To excel at literally the highest level of competition in the world demands total commitment.

“Before the Whistler (bobsleigh and luge) track opened in 2008, Jeff would leave (to train and compete) in early November and come home around the end of February,” says Aly.

During the four month season, Aly says Jeff would make appearances at home “here and there.”  In four months, he’d spend maybe three weeks at home with his wife and their two kids – never all at once.  Not even close.

Sound tough?  It gets worse.

“When Whistler opened, he was gone all of October and March – it became a six month season,” says Aly, “with about same total amount of time at home.”

We spoke with Aly Pain about how she and her kids cope with an absentee husband and father.

MOMeo: Can you share just how difficult this has been for you personally?

Aly Pain: It’s the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  You know, I didn’t get married to be a single mom.  It demands an enormously high energy level, for one thing.  It’s taught me that you have got to ask for support.  That’s absolutely necessary.

MOMeo: Usually when people say ‘it’s taught me one thing,’ it means that ‘one thing’ was very difficult.

Aly Pain: Absolutely!  I’m not great at it, that’s for sure.  But I have to.

MOMeo: Who did you turn to for support?

Aly Pain: When the kids were babies, I would get Jeff’s parents to take them for the afternoon.  Now, I have a very strong community of moms around me.  They’ve really saved my kids’ lives!  I didn’t have the patience, was exhausted, and had a hard time being who I wanted to be.

The kids have playdates every second day, which is great for us both.  I function better around people.  You know, I can’t do it all.  I had to let go of the thought!  So now, I have a friend who lives with us in the winters, when Jeff is training.

MOMeo: How does that work?

Aly Pain: (My friend) works in the very vital, yet low income, industries of the world.  She basically house-sits for accommodation.  She works full-time – not for me, you understand – but helps me in the mornings, for example, to get the kids to school, so I can have breakfast meetings at 6:30.  If I need to work in the evening, she babysits.  This year’s she’s helped with laundry and groceries.  It’s the most I’ve ever let her help.

MOMeo: Is that because this year has been the hardest?

Aly Pain: Definitely.

MOMeo: Have you and Jeff talked about how long he can continue doing this?

Aly Pain: He has until March 1st with this wife.  That’s a pretty definite deadline.  I won’t do this any longer.  (The 2010 Winter Olympics wrap up in February.)

MOMeo: Have you two always targeted 2010 as the end of his athletic career?

Aly Pain: Well, things changed.  He used to be a full-time landscape architect, and spent three hours per day training (for skeleton.)  At the 2006 Olympics, he won the silver medal.  He realized he had a chance to go to the Vancouver Olympics, to compete in his home country, and have a realistic shot at another medal.

MOMeo: You couldn’t possibly pass that up.

Aly Pain: Exactly.  But it meant we needed to make a choice.  After (the 2006 games), Jeff took two years to shut his landscaping business down.  In the summer of 2008, he started training full-time.  That was necessary to compete at this level.  2008 and 2009 are the only two years he hasn’t worked two full-time jobs!   It was a difficult financial choice.  But it was the right choice.  Jeff turned 39 in December, and he’s healthier and stronger than ever.

MOMeo: Your situation is obviously unique, but as a relationship coach, you must find some advice that applies to other couples.

Aly Pain: Absolutely!  It’s very difficult, living in elite performance levels, and still having a relationship to speak of.  It’s not just sports.  High-level executives, that’s elite performance in their field.  I have a lot to say about that situation.  I wanted him to quit.  I hated skeleton, and I hated him.

MOMeo: Wow.  Do you still hate skeleton?

Aly Pain: Well, I figured out what I really hated wasn’t him or skeleton, but how he was doing it.  The dictatorship under which it was being done.  I learned a lot about negotiating our relationship.  What’s in it for me?  There has to be something in it for me.  I told him – and I want you to print this – if I’m just a nanny and housekeeper you get to bang, count me out.

MOMeo: Jeff is busy training in Europe, but if he could be here, what do you think he’d say now?

Aly Pain: Jeff would not have had an answer!  (laughs) We can laugh now, but our messes were big.  I believe he would have continued with skeleton at the price of our marriage.  I didn’t give him much choice.  I told him, “either you’re done or we’re done.”  I only knew ultimatums.  I only knew “or else.”  I didn’t know about “and.”

MOMeo: What changed?

Aly Pain: No one thing.  You know, I asked him to quit three times.  I asked for a divorce twice.  Times were hard.  I feared for losing our house.

MOMeo: Skeleton athletes aren’t exactly well-paid.

Aly Pain: Exactly.  I feared buying groceries and gas, in case the machine said “NSF.”  There was so much anxiety and fear – coupled with the emotional absence of my spouse.

MOMeo: You asked him to quit, even for a divorce, more than once.  He’s still competing, and you’re still married.  What happened when you made those ultimatums?

Aly Pain: He’d make a little shift, as much as he could manage.  But things would go back to the way they were.

MOMeo: How do the kids feel about all this?

Aly Pain: The boys are 6 and 8 now.  They miss their dad like crazy!  We sit and cry together.  We have to say how mad we are, this sucks, and we can’t stand it!  When he’s home, I’m chopped liver as far as the boys are concerned.  (laughs) That’s fine!  They wouldn’t notice if I went away for four days!  (laughs)

MOMeo: How do you help them cope?

Aly Pain: Well, last year we started a daily countdown – 365 days until Dad’s home for good.  Before then, it just seemed too far away for them to grasp.  Now, there’s just 29 days left.  They’re so excited!

MOMeo: What do you think the long-term effects will be?

Aly Pain: I don’t know.  We have some healing to do.  The boys will be angry.  Our oldest is 8.  Jeff has missed 3 years of his life.

MOMeo: What will Jeff do when he’s done in a month?

Aly Pain: I want you to print this, too: he will be my manwife.  (laughs) It will be rough for him, of course, but he’s had a life before and outside skeleton.  He’s got a degree, he had a job, he was self-employed, and he’s got a family.  There’s a transition period coming for him.  We need to be financially responsible, as his funding ends March 1st.

MOMeo: Will he go back into landscaping?

Aly Pain: He will be my book shipper!  (laughs) We hope my book goes well enough to let him take a break.  We’ve made an “A to Z” board of options of things he can do after the games.  Some are just hopeful, but some have been confirmed.  Yes, he can go back to landscaping if he wants or needs to.

MOMeo: Thanks so much for speaking with me today, and for your openness.  When is your book available?

Aly Pain: My pleasure!  On my website we’re already taking pre-orders.  The first batch will ship March 1st.