Co-Worker Relationship Renovation
The same tricks for maintaining a successful marriage outlined in part one of ‘Relationship Renovation…’,can be employed in the workplace. Here are some tips from the experts for rebooting work relations:
Thwart Rudeness
“We have a tendency when we do not get what we want to get nasty,” says Dr. Robert Moss, a South Carolina psychologist. “A person can learn to be nicer over time. If you give in, they are going to treat you worst and worst. I can engage with them when they can change their behavior.”
That might mean offering minimal responses or hanging up on an irate client or co-worker until they are calm, he says. “If you take more time to reason with them they are less likely to comply.
“You want to reward behavior you want to see and ignore the behavior you don’t.”
Extenuate the Positive
With an irrational client, listen for the shred of truth amidst the complaints, says Ann Smith, executive director of Breakthrough at Caron, a nonprofit wellness program that helps break unhealthy life patterns.
“Selectively define the things you say,” Moss adds. If you disagree with a co-worker’s ideas, glean what you like and overlook the rest. Let the person make suggestions that relate to your clients and projects. “As long as this person feels involved, the project will keep moving forward uninterrupted.”
Whenever possible, show appreciation by offering third-person praise, Moss says. “Make positive comments about your co-worker or boss to their superiors.”
Reach Out and Touch
Many times anger and belligerence is rooted in a feeling of isolation, says James Córdova, a psychologist in Massachusetts.
“People most want to be seen and understood empathically. Take time to really listen and feel your way into their shoes.”
Smith agrees. Instead of a quick brush-off – “We already tried that” or “That won’t work”– try “I hear you and I will consider what you said. Thank you for caring.”
People are much more receptive to problem-solving when they feel recognized and valued, she says.
Maintain The Big Picture
Smith has a few key phrases posted on her desk to remember the larger perspective. One reads: “God Works Here Too.”
“It’s not all on me. A person may be having a bad day. Even if I had to say ‘no,’ I am respectful and considerate and it tends to turn out OK.”
Read Part 1, Relationship Renovation…marital issues cited by the experts and their suggested remedies
Relationship Renovation…
Date night for Alice and Bart often meant shopping at Target or the grocery store. Nothing like choosing lettuce and light bulbs to stir the romantic embers. With a never-ending to-do list and the added responsibilities of a newborn, this dual-income couple found it increasingly difficult to nurture their relationship. Until Alice attended a group counseling session, discovering how to rejuvenate her marriage.
“I learned what brings me joy in my life,” says Alice, a marketing rep in Harrisburg, Pa., married six years. She requested her last name withheld to protect family privacy. “Both of us like to be outside,” Alice says of Bart while strolling recently with their 5-month-old son through their neighborhood. “We try to make time to be together where we’re not distracted” by errands or housework, she says. Long walks or road trips with a sleeping child in tow seem to do the trick. “It reminds me why we’re together.”
It’s no wonder marriages are pushed to the back burner when trying to manage children, a job, housework, financial strains and schedule overload. Unlike these other areas that vie for our attention, relationships tend to “quietly soldier on” until it’s too late, says James Córdova, director of the Marriage Checkup program at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.
That’s why even the most successful marriages need a relationship overhaul from time to time, according to psychologists and counselors interviewed for this story.
Here are a few marital issues cited by the experts and their suggested remedies:
Conflict: Where’s the Romance?
Resolution: Experience The Embrace
Hugs will never be the same after you’ve tried this mindful approach from Córdova, author of the new book, “The Marriage Checkup: A Scientific Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health.”
Enter the hug from a position that does not require straining, he says. “Breathe into the hug. Relax into the contact, turning your attention to the moment, the warmth, softness, pressure of contact. Allow an awareness of all the qualities of the moment. Walk through each of your senses. Experience the totality.”
Now stay this way for five minutes. “It’s quite a bit longer than most couples will hug,” Córdova admits. Rest assured, with regularity, the awkward barriers will disappear, “allowing a deeper, more embodied experience just to be with this unique person.”
“Our minds tend to want to rush off,” he says. “This is an opportunity to practice just being aware. It can be a real basis to foster intimacy.”
Hugging not your thing? Try a little eye contact to bolster your declarations of love, says Dr. Robert Moss, a clinical psychologist in Greenville, S.C. While words may be cheap, the nonverbal message is: “You are worth my time simply to gaze into your eyes and tell you.”
An eye statement tends to lessen the impact of many marital troubles, according to Marriage Counselor Ann Smith, of Reading, Pa. Greeting each other with the eyes should be the first priority upon entering the home after separation, she says. “Put it ahead of the mailbox and bills, even if only for two minutes to see the person you love. Then, when you open the bills, they do not seem so bad.”
Conflict: Who Has Time For a Date?
Resolution: Consider Bungee-Jumping
Undefined plans for a getaway or date next weekend or next month may never materialize, Córdova says. “We look for found time to grab in spare moments. Even though it seems simple, you have to make time because you are never going to find time.”
He recommends couples schedule regular, predictable time during which they can actively explore and experience the world, possibly try something neither one has done before. “They should practice a type of curiosity about each other and about the world.”
Couples who think they know everything about the spouse fail to understand that everyone is evolving, Córdova says. “If you’re bored with the person you are with it’s a sure sign you have stopped paying attention to ‘who the person I am with today is because certainly I’m not the same person as yesterday.’”
Every six months to a year couples should also plan a getaway so they don’t feel as helpless about their relationship and have something to look forward to, he says.
Conflict: Put Up Your Dukes
Resolution: It’s Called Communicating
If you know your spouse is frustrated about something, actively listen without trying to solve the issue, Moss says. You might address your partner: “If we can agree not to look for solutions, I can just to be there to hold you so you’re not alone, so I don’t have to feel like I want to escape.”
Anger is not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship, Córdova adds. Use dance lessons as an analogy for communication. “You are going to step on toes. If you say ‘ow’ and your partner does the same thing, naturally you learn to dance gracefully together.
You get to say ‘ow,’ that pissed me off, but you do not get to attack each other’s character.”
Conflict: The Thrill is Gone
Resolution: Attract A Crowd
Schedule gift deliveries several times a year when your partner least expects it, not just on Valentine’s Day, anniversaries or birthdays, says Moss, who latest self-help book offers marriage counseling, “For Better or For Worse: Am I in Love with a Giver or a Taker?”
“If your wife works, send it to her at work. Get in front of people a special surprise they will see. The attention from others activates positive feelings.”
On the other hand, be cautious about sending gifts as an apology, he warns. Like makeup sex, such gifts may subconsciously force your partner to start an argument to gain the reward.
Conflict: The Honey-Do List
Resolution: It Takes Two
Set aside problem-solving sessions twice a week for 45 minutes to an hour without distractions, Moss says. Take the phone off the hook, occupy the children and alternate presenting a problem, ensuring the listener understands the issue and agreed-upon solution. “If it’s two hours a week, you free up all the rest of the time to do positive things.”
Smith suggests finding a permanent location around your home, outside the bedroom and earshot of children, for face-to-face discussions. Ideally three to four times a week couples should meet here to debrief, away from whatever is bothering them, says Smith, executive director of Breakthrough at Caron, a nonprofit wellness program that helps break unhealthy life patterns.
JOIN US on Friday for PART TWO–How To Use Relationship Renovation Tips with your Co-Workers!
When Santa’s Not Coming
Roni Robbins
Almost immediately after the orange and black decorations of Halloween are tucked away, they are replaced with the ubiquitous green and red. The annual commercial onslaught of Christmas has begun.
As the retail world hawks its seductive sales, the Christmas lights and tinsel are strung on towering trees and the holiday music and TV programs vie for attention. Children whose families belong to minority religions often can be left lusting for inclusion.
I should know, I’m Jewish. As a child – and admittedly even as an adult – the jealousy pangs are not easily quelled when you celebrate an eight-day festival sorely eclipsed and influenced by a far more seductive December 25th. So it comes as no surprise each year when I face the inevitable questions from my two children, ages 9 and 11, which I once asked my parents: “why don’t we celebrate Christmas like everyone else?”
Whether observing a less popular winter holiday, an ethnic version of Christmas or no festivities at all, this is one time of year when one’s religious minority status comes into sharp focus.
Mary Heine, a web designer in Salt Lake City, explains to her children each year why they don’t observe Christmas, or any other winter holiday for that matter. As a member of the United Church of God, Heine strives to be straightforwardly honest with her four sons, ages 4 to 15, about their unique faith.
“They don’t seem swayed by the marketing.”
The United Church of God claims about 13,000 U.S. members practicing a cross between Christianity and Judaism. They celebrate seven holidays, the last one falling in September or October.
“Our children are fairly easygoing about the season,” Heine says, “and because they have never celebrated the holiday, there isn’t an emotional attachment to it.”
“They don’t seem to be swayed by the marketing. We have so much marketing coming our way that Christmas season marketing doesn’t seem like such a big deal,” she says.
On one occasion, one of Heine’s sons explained to an apologetic cashier, inquiring about his Christmas wish list: “don’t be sorry, I just think Jesus was born in the spring instead of the winter.”
Heine’s reaction? “I was chuckling to myself feeling a bit sorry for the poor cashier. To her credit, she shot back, ‘You know what? That’s an interesting thought.’”
Despite Salt Lake City’s reputation as a religious melting pot, Heine realizes her children still may experience some emotional upheaval practicing a distinct religion:
“I think it’s natural and normal to want to ‘fit in’…to not stand out as an oddball.”
That’s certainly how she felt growing up. “My world wasn’t as tolerant and understanding of differences of beliefs – I remember feeling lonely and a bit ostracized during the Christmas season as a kid.”
“he emphasizes to his children that Christmas is a Christian holiday celebrated in a ‘grand fashion.’
Having emigrated from India at age 7, Arun Chandrakantan grew up without the religious and cultural infrastructure that exists for his family today in America. Chandrakantan’s parents instilled pride in the depth, beauty and tolerance of Hinduism he passes to his own children, ages 3 and 6. (Hindus make up about 0.4 per cent of the U.S. population.)
“As Hindus, we can respect all religious paths, but do not need to celebrate the religious holidays of other traditions,” says Chandrakantan, a doctor who now lives in Dallas.
He emphasizes to his children that Christmas is a Christian holiday celebrated in a “grand fashion” just as they celebrate Diwali.
During the five-day Hindu Festival of Lights (usually falling between October and December) the Chandrakantans take off from work and school to worship at the local Hindu temple.
The family hasn’t escaped Christmas commercialism entirely. Chandrakantan admits along with traditional clothing presents, he may give more expensive Diwali gifts “to make this compatible with America where large material items are bought for Christmas.”
Maryam Ozer, an Albanian-born Muslim, has a simple method for handling retail marketing. “We try to limit the TV watching during this season.”
If her children see items on sale during Christmas, she promises to fulfill their wish list as part of the two Eid festivals, this year on Sept. 20 and Nov. 27. About 0.6 percent of Americans are Muslim, the Pew Forum reports.
Ozer’s children, ranging from 3 to 9, don’t seem to feel alienated during Christmas.
“Year after year they know our response: every religion has its important day. We don’t celebrate Christmas and they don’t celebrate our day,” says Ozer, a freelance translator and short-story writer in Alpharetta, Georgia
Ozer says, the children can send Christmas cards to their friends and ask them to reciprocate on appropriate Muslim holidays.
Coming from a communist country that banned religions, Ozer appreciates the diversity. She finds herself swept up by holiday spirit, for no other reason than people around her are happy.
“It generally gives you a warm feeling even if it is not your celebration. I’d like more days like this.”
It’s not easy to resist the lure of Christmas, says Dr. Susan Linn, a nationally-recognized child psychologist who has written extensively about the effects of media and commercial marketing on children.
“We need to directly address commercialism in our children’s lives. It’s a problem in every family…Christian families as well.”
The way Christmas has evolved, it’s especially difficult for other cultures to compete, and they shouldn’t try, says Linn, who is Jewish but celebrates Christmas.
“You have to acknowledge [children’s feelings] that it’s a challenge to be a minority at times when the majority culture seems to be everywhere.”
She recommends families stress the social, political and spiritual meaning in their own holidays over gift-giving frenzy:
“Whatever gift exchange you engage in, it should be a celebration of giving as well as receiving. Talk with your children about the similarities and differences between the holidays”, she says.
“It’s important for them to know that Christmas is a major holiday” for Christians. Not necessarily so for other winter holidays, such as Chanukah, Linn says.
“If you have a rich family life, rich in traditions with some kind of joy in your culture and spiritual heritage, it may compensate for feeling left out for Christmas.”
The holiday season also provides a great opportunity for minority families to share their celebrations with those from diverse traditions, she says.
“It’s wonderful to have an eclectic group of friends. You are not denying your religion …but helping children feel connected without feeling envious, so they sense the richness of diversity in the world.”
Vultures Need Not Apply
You don’t have to be an ‘ambulance chaser’ to survive – and thrive – in a recession
Roni Robbins
While bankruptcy and bailouts have become synonymous with the current recession, there’s a silver lining for industrious work-from-home entrepreneurs. Legitimate opportunities exist amidst the doom and gloom.
Whether picking up the slack left when companies downsize, or positioning the remaining firms to compete effectively in the ever-expanding digital era, you don’t have to be the figurative ambulance chaser sifting through corporate rubble to profit in a distressed economy or sail through its slow recovery.
“The innovative business need only present a fresh approach and some new strategies to get the ear of struggling prospects,” says Patrick Schwerdtfeger.
He knows of what he speaks: he’s the author of Webify Your Business, Internet Marketing Secrets for the Self-Employed and founder of Tactical Execution, an online marketing agency, both home-based businesses.
“The trick is to find the intersection of your own passions, your capabilities and market needs,” adds Ann Latham, a work-from-home business coach and consultant, speaker and author of Clear Thoughts – Pragmatic Gems of Better Business Thinking.
“To develop any good business model, you need to understand your potential customers,” she says.
With an eye toward finding your niche, here are a handful of recipes for turning lemons into lemonade in a turbulent economy.
Flaunt Your Marketing Potential
Create marketing techniques for struggling businesses, including how to expand their exposure through a range of social media.
It’s a hot area even in a recession, says Latham, because smart companies know they still need help with marketing plans, from formulation to execution. The former requires strong marketing experience. The latter runs the gamut from writing press releases, to upgrading websites, to project management.
Expertise in social media marketing – platforms such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube – is especially valuable as businesses increasingly venture into this arena, says Schwerdtfeger: “Almost all businesses are willing to give it a try.”
Email marketing is another revenue driver, he says. By offering valuable information or resources online in exchange for e-mail addresses, businesses can build a list of qualified prospects agreeing to accept future communication.
Techno-savvy entrepreneurs or web designers can promote their own ventures or help others create websites or blogs, publish articles online, or host educational seminars. “Today’s social Internet provides countless ways to find relevant conversations and contribute expertise,” says Schwerdtfeger, adding that builds trust, which leads directly to revenue.
Businesses often will compensate social media subscribers and regular bloggers for creating word-of-mouth advertising within their network for a particular retail product or service, says Thomas Elwell, CEO of Tomi Financial and managing partner of MOMeo Community.
Cater To Moms
Develop services geared toward mothers.
Work-at-home moms are particularly attuned to the changing needs and values of other moms, says Latham, citing trends such as conserving gas, vacationing closer to home, increasing physical activity, dining out less, and serving healthier meals.
Anyone with fitness training, for example, can start a neighborhood boot camp with minimal overhead:
“Participants meet in a school yard, work out together with minimal equipment, and spend very little time traveling.”
Latham also suggests tapping the surging interest in crafts as an inexpensive home-based activity. While large craft stores, for example, might be daunting to the inexperienced, that’s just one possibility. There’s also selling craft kits, opening a paint-your-own-plate shop, or starting an arts and crafts birthday party service, and so on.
Provide Quality Care
Start a day care or elder care service.
With more unemployed workers at home, another baby boom is expected, says Elwell. Canada already is experiencing a daycare shortage with a critical need for educated, trained caretakers.
That trend will continue as the tide turns, as jobs become more readily available and workers seek childcare alternatives.
There are also opportunities to invest in dormant apartment buildings and condos, casualties of the real estate slump, and convert them into elderly care facilities to accommodate the aging Baby Boomers, he said.
Offer Sound Financial Advice
Meet the demand for financial consultants, analysts and advisors.
“The financial district is in such turmoil that they need more great minds, great consultants at the table,” says Elwell. For starters, check out accounting firms or government revenue departments known to have cut their workforces.
Employment of financial analysts, particularly personal financial advisors, was expected to grow much faster than the national average for all occupations between 2006 and 2016, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook 2008-09.
Although completed before the recession, some of the trends considered in the study still ring true. This includes the retirement of Baby Boomers from companies that have cut pension plans – leaving employees to manage their own financial security.
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