Family Friday: The Ultimate Truth Speakers – Listening to What Your Children Are Saying to You
Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? Things like: “The best things about penises is you can aim them”, my 6-year-old daughter’s random observation about the differences between boy and girl (ahem) parts.
What makes these simple observations about the world so wonderfully amazing is the truthfulness in them. Unlike adults who have learned the fine art of filtering, children speak their minds – whether we like it or not.
Children are the ultimate truth speakers. Their truths may not always be earth shattering, but they are usually spot-on. Like when a friend’s son said that the reason adults liked all that disgusting spicy food and strong coffee is because “they are old and their taste buds are all dead.” Probably true.
What happens when their truth speaking is aimed at us? What happens when it calls us out for good reason? What happens when they speak their truth when they say things like: “Why do you work so much? Can you please put away your iPhone? Why are you on the computer all the time?”
Listening to What Your Children Are Saying to You
#1: Listen…Carefully – It’s easy to miss the little gems of truth in all the chatter. If you don’t want to miss hearing the important stuff, listen. I mean really listen to what they are saying.
#2: Leave the Judgment Out – The temptation is to start judging (yourself or your child). Don’t! Leave your judgments out of it and just accept their truth as-is.
#3: Look for the Truth – Of course, children aren’t always accurate in their truths, but chances are they are headed in the right direction. Look for the truth behind what they are saying.
#4: Resist the Temptation to Explain – We both know that we can outmaneuver our kids in the logical reasoning and verbal department (and good for you). Resist the temptation to explain and justify your actions.
#5: Respond Truthfully – Take this opportunity to turn your actions into a teachable moment. Discuss how you can change or work together to come up with a compromise.
The hardest part of hearing the truth when it’s directed at you is the damage that it does to your ego. We always think of ourselves as the teachers of our children, neglecting to see how much they teach us.
Family Friday: Growing Up and Gaining Independence – The Bittersweet Happiness of a New Back to School Milestone
It seems every time I turn around my daughter has reached another milestone – one day taking her very first steps and learning how to talk, and in what seems like a heartbeat, she’s getting herself out of bed, going through her morning routine, and getting ready for school all by herself.
Now that it’s back to school time, we’ve hit another milestone. This time it’s a big one: all-day school. That means sitting at tiny desks, outdoor recess with the big kids, eating lunch in the school lunchroom. That means more independence.
For me, it’s a bittersweet milestone. On the one hand, I’m so enormously proud of my plucky little girl for puffing out her chest, and saying, “I can do it. I can be brave!” And on the other, I am already missing the nervous toddler who shyly clung to my legs whenever we encountered a new situation.
It’s a reminder that growing up means watching your children step away from the safety of the nest to test their independence. It means your role as everything has now been relegated to ‘backup’ in case of boo-boos that need a kiss or an unexpected playground crisis.
It means that instead of being the nurturing caregiver who attends to every single need, my role is now as life guide and translator to help her understand and interpret her ever-changing world and how she fits into her new social circles.
It means that instead of being her everything, I am emergency backup for those days when independence gets too scary and she needs to run back to mommy for a hug. But mostly, I am the rarely used safety system that gives her the courage to venture out, knowing that she’s never far from mommy.
It means that everything is as it should be.
Family Friday: Family Compass – Living Your Family Values Everyday
Perhaps it’s a sign that old age is setting in that I get more and more introspective about defining our family values every year. I find myself looking around, examining how people choose to live and work, and using it to develop a framework for determining what I consider important – a family compass, if you will.
I find myself asking: what is important to us as a family? What do we want to spend our time doing thereby teaching our daughter through action what matters in the grand scheme of things? What are we willing to sacrifice in order to accomplish other (more important) goals?
Creating Your Family Values Compass
If life is a journey, then think of your family values as the compass – an instrument for navigating the thousands of decisions that define your daily life. Intuitively we know what we value, but it’s important to put it down on paper or at the very least, discuss it with our family.
#1: Overarching Values Theme – Determine an overarching focus theme. If you were a company, what would your mission statement be? If your life was a book, what would it be about? That’s your values theme.
#2: Values Translated into Action – Abstract concepts are nothing without action. Think about how you can translate your values theme into concrete daily action. For example, if your values theme is living in harmony with nature, your daily action steps could include recycling, only using eco-friendly products and teaching your kids about the environment.
#3: Give Up to Gain – Ask yourself what you (and your family) are willing to give up to gain what you ultimately desire. That may entail living in a smaller house to take more time off for travel and adventure.
#4: Compromise Points – Think about where you can be flexible in your values theme. Maybe going green means giving up everything toxic and harmful to the environment except treating yourself to a pedicure. It’s important to know where you are willing to bend without breaking the system.
#5: Non-Negotiables – Define what you consider non-negotiables that no matter what will not be sacrificed to any other aspects of the system. Chances are you will end up with competing values. Creating a list of non-negotiables helps prioritize in instances where there is conflict.
There you have it – a roadmap to creating your roadmap through life. Happy travels!
Family Friday: Pretty Little Girls – What Are We Allowing the Beauty Industry to Teach Our Children?
Grow up! Be sexy! Get thin! Thong underwear. Push up bikini tops for 7 year olds. Botox for teens.
The beauty industry screams at our children from every direction, in every medium, 24/7. Sometimes the messages are glaring and overt – billboards, commercials, and magazine articles telling girls to “get bikini ready” or “erase flaws to snag the guy she wants.” Other times, messages are more subtle – sent through the tiny-waisted dolls they play with or the “pinkafied” toys advertized to her that tell her that girls need to be pretty in order to be acceptable. Overt or covert, the messages about beauty are there.
Thought you were the only one parenting your child? The new Big Brother is a Pervasive Parent ready to sell your children a bill of goods in size small with a side of shame. And yes, there is a profound effect. Studies reveal that the intense pressure to grow up too soon, look sexy, and appear perfect is one of the greatest influences on girls’ well being. Girls repeatedly being told to wear clothes that make them look older, entertain sexual advances from boys, diet or restrict, and even consider plastic surgery to “improve looks” are identified as pressures that are particularly damaging.
If you’re anything like me, you’re not going to take back seat mothering from loud-mouthed advertisers trying to line their pockets at the expense of our children. So how can we be the more powerful voice in a world where negative media and advertising comes in surround-sound?
#1: Teach media literacy – Children hate to be duped…especially by adults. Look through the eyes of your child and see what they see—then dispel it. That TV show they love? Point out that when lead characters all look “perfect” and comic or “evil” characters appear plain, “ugly,” dumb, or goofy. Leaf through the magazines she loves and talk about the photos the editor selected and the stories they feature; what words come to mind when she seems them? Discuss photoshopping, digital enhancement, lighting, and camera angles. Analyze commercials and how they make children want to buy the product touted as “the best,” “the only,” and “must-have” in order to be “pretty” enough or to “attract the guy she wants”. You can even take out the toy catalog from the big toy chains and determine the messages they are sending to our girls as oppose to what they are telling boys through color, photos, font, and the products themselves.
#2: Provide alternative toys and images – The big corporations have the power and the money to keep their products in your children’s faces. However, there are outstanding grass roots companies that provide alternative products that take the focus off beauty and instead, celebrate a less-hurried childhood. Their messages tell girls to be bold, assertive, adventurous, confident, proud and intellectually curious. Whether it’s clothing, toys, dolls, books, or other media, the mission of these companies are parent-friendly and child-centered.
#3: Provide real role models – You want to provide a wider view of what beauty looks like? Expose your children to the people in your life who are beautiful inside and out—not because they fit some kind of narrow criteria set forth by Hollywood or Madison Avenue, but because they have the character, commitment, and charisma that make them unforgettable.
#4: Discuss what beauty really means – Don’t allow the beauty or toy industries to equate your daughter’s definition of beauty with “sexy,” “very thin,” or “perfect.” Instead, generate your own definitions together. Talk about the people in your lives and what you believe makes them truly beautiful. For example; “I think Aunt Janice is beautiful because she is honest, kind, and has a laugh that makes me smile even when I feel sad.” Or “Your grandmother was a beautiful woman—she was graceful and so well put together. Even in her 80s and at only 4’11” when she walked into a room, she owned it.” If you don’t help to define beauty with your daughter, someone else will.
#5: Stick to your values – Even if the neighbor has the latest pouty faced doll or her best friend watches TV meant for girls several years older, that doesn’t mean you have to allow it into your house. You can’t say “no” to everything but when you feel a product or message crosses a line, put your foot down, turn it off, or turn it down. Explain why you don’t like it and what she can see or do instead. It may not be the most popular thing you ever do—but then again, you are her parent, not her best friend.
#6: Watch what you do and say – You may think media and big corporations have all the power, but trusted sources like parents, teachers, and best friends are really who make the biggest difference. If you are complaining about your weight, dieting, gobbing on the make up, wearing revealing clothing to the grocery store, or expressing repeated dismay about your thighs, wrinkles, or tummy, you are sending a loud message.
#7: Ask what’s important to her and what she wants to be known for – This can be a powerful practice for both you and your children. When they think of the values they honor the most and what they admire in their friends and loved ones, what comes to mind? Hopefully, they point out meaningful assets such as their humor, kindness, confidence, brain-power, and warmth over superficial descriptors like hair color and body size. Then ask them what they hope their friends appreciate in them. By voicing coveted traits that go beyond the surface and discussing them with you and others they trust, your children discover that the beauty industry misses the mark.
While the women in our daughters’ lives must be vigilant and involved in providing a different message than that of the beauty industry, the men in our daughters’ lives are just as important in debunking the myths. Fathers and father-figures must actively voice that seeing is not always believing and that a girl’s value should not be based on looks.
Parents must converse with their sons about these issues as well if we are to create a generation of boys who are not raised in the shadow of media’s skewed, sexualized, and superficial view of women and girls. Reducing girls to their appearance—an unnatural, surgically enhanced, photoshopped, version of themselves does not only compromise our girls. It compromises everyone.
Check out Dr. Robyn’s latest Today Show clips dealing with this topic: Abercrombie’s Push Up Bikini Bras for 7-Year-Olds and The Truth About Barbie Galia Slayens Life-Size Barbie!
