Stop Blaming Your Children – Why YOUR Failure Isn’t THEIR Fault
“Hurray up or we are going to be late!”
“Well if you would just put your boots on the way I showed you we would be leaving by now!”
(In the car) “Aarrgg! Now we are going to be late….again! I am so frustrated and I don’t know what it is going to take for us to leave the house on time!”
(From the back seat) “I’m sorry, mommy.”
Does this sound like a conversation that you have with your child?
I am sad to say that incidences like this were all too common for my children and me. So much that by the time my oldest was 4 years old, he was pre-apologizing for making us late every time we left the house, even when we were going to be on time and I was in a good mood!
As a mom, there are so many details to remember and tasks to accomplish in a day while caring for little people that often require full to moderate assistance with daily living. Leaving the house on time was always my greatest challenge.
Until I owned my victim mentality I didn’t really understand the problem was my relationship with time, not the gorgeous little people who called me ‘Mommy’. What I needed to do was be realistic about how long tasks took, prepare and leave the house 15 minutes earlier, not get angrier at them for something they were not old enough to be responsible for.
Do you hear yourself making your children your excuse for falling short?
Do you use your children as the excuse for not achieving the goals or dreams you had for yourself or your business? I started my Life Coaching business working from home with my youngest home half the day. I loved my work and my clients, yet I would still use him as the excuse to clients why I could not meet in person.
The truth was I was choosing to be home with him and not employ daycare services and I chose to have children in the first place. The lie is that somehow it was his fault as if the stork suddenly dropped him off at my door without asking me.
Blame and victim are insidious, toxic parts of our thinking that we are not always aware exist. They stem from the belief or feeling of being trapped or without choice. It’s easier to make someone or something outside of ourselves the scapegoat for our discomfort.
The long term cost to our children hearing or even perceiving this blame (children are much more perceptive that we give them credit for) is growing up with a feeling of shame. The definition for shame is this – You didn’t just MAKE a mistake, you ARE a mistake. That is a huge weight to try and shed off once it is internalized.
Making a change is possible! It’s time to stop the blame game and move toward what you want:
- Be prepared – Set out what you need the night before.
- Set a timer for yourself so you know when to start a task with time to complete (like leaving the house), or have your morning alarm go off 30 minutes early.
- Ask for support – You don’t need to be a hero to everyone! Try sharing childcare with a friend to give you a few hours of alone time to work.
- Decide what you really want – If you could dream up your days, what would they look like? Get clear on the actual structure you need and put a plan in place to create as much or all of that vision.
- Be realistic – Set your goals based on what is possible now and make a plan to create the rest. Raising children requires time and flexibility.
- Don’t multi-task! Pretending to be present to your child while also talking on the phone and typing is ridiculous, and the fastest way to look track of time. Use the timer to spend focus time with your child, then again to have small amounts of focus work time (depending on the age and needs of your child).
- Communicate with your children – Even at 18-months-old your child understands much more than you think. Tell them what your timer means and what they can expect from you. Children catch on quickly and will go with the plan as long as they understand when they get 100% of you.
You do not like being blamed for something you know was not your fault, and neither do your children. It’s time to own up to your results and use the tips listed above to start the change them.
I started telling my children that being late was my fault and not theirs, based on my poor planning. I still let them know when I was frustrated, and made very clear it was about me and not them.
When you own your successes AND your failures, you have more to celebrate and greater learning to move forward with. Set bigger goals and get more efficient work done ‘during school hours’. Best of all your children know they are not the reason for my failure, and a huge part of my success as a mompreneur.
Sustainable Weight Loss – Why You Should Drop that New Year’s Resolution to Lose Weight
For the love of life, drop that New Year’s Resolution to lose weight!
Come on, you made the same commitment last year too and look where it got you. By all means, clean it up a bit and shave off those holiday pounds right away. The sooner you do, the easier it will be. My phone rings off the wall (if phones had walls anymore) each January. No one wants to even talk to a nutritionist at a party in December and suddenly, come January, we are all the rage.
But I am telling you, don’t do it.
The reason why is simple: Losing weight takes a herculean, single minded commitment to everything you put in your mouth and every movement you make. And not just this month, until you lose those 10 or 100 pounds, you will need to focus on it for the rest of your life. Every nibble of cheese, every sip of wine, each brownie or sizzle of steak will make your mouth water and you will have to resist.
If you have 100 pounds to lose, you need to know what is involved in not only to taking that weight off, but keeping it off. For you, the benefits will be huge but you really want your resolution to be to “seek help to lose weight”. You need more than new recipes. You need new tools, new thoughts, a plan of action, one-on-one support and insight into why this happened. Your key to success will be realizing that your body wants to stay fat but your mind, your life and your loved ones don’t want to see you suffer any more.
Any or all of these reasons will need to be strong enough to pull you through. You need to know what you are getting into and that you may need superhuman powers to keep it off. Mobility and quality of life will improve when you do. If you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose (and they are the same pounds that you wanted to lose last year or did lose and found again) you may be better off committing to never gaining another ounce.
Shedding the 10 pounds may make you feel better but every time you do so your body adjusts accordingly. This makes it harder each passing year. Tighten the ship and learn to love what you have got (those in the other categories think your problem is vanity anyway).
If you are like most of the population who has between 10 and 90 to lose substitute your vague “lose weight” resolution for this much clearer, sounder approach: Lose 10% of your total body weight. There is good evidence that this will give you the most health benefits and be the easiest lose and sustain over the long term.
There are universal tips and tricks to keep calories low and help manage your brain’s and body’s expectations of fuel. After all, you gave your body and brain more and now they are getting less, it is only human to push back. You, your habits, your environment and your attitudes will all have to change. It is not about what is on the plate! It is about what your biology thinks should be on the plate.
Make this year, the year that you change THAT and you will be getting somewhere.
Funny Mummy: Twits the Season – New Year’s Resolutions for Tweeps
Let’s face it, if you’re a Mom with a newborn you may as well give in and embrace the world of Twitter, and chat online at 2am instead of watching those info-mercials. If you haven’t entered the world of Twitter yet, make 2012 the year to get online and in the know.
Worried about what to expect? I’ve prepared a handy round up of all the Tweets you’ve been missing this past year, as they relate to kids, house, home, and husband, so you’ll be caught up. Ready? Here we go:
- Moms don’t sleep, and the first thing they do when they’re not sleeping is to Tweet out the fact that they’re not sleeping. Which causes them to stay awake longer. Which they will also Tweet about the next morning. And occasionally throughout the day, as they’re also not napping.
- None of us exercise enough, according to our outside voices on Twitter. And the ones that do workout, as a rule, we don’t like. They’re just bragging about it. It’s not motivating at all. (You might want to go back to watching late night TV ads for Thigh Masters if the “Fitter Twitter” Tweets get to be too much for you.)
- If you want reinforcement to have that next glass of wine, eat that extra piece of chocolate, to blow off the lunch date with that Mom down the street you really don’t like, or to prove once and for all your husband can’t do anything right, you’ve come to the right place. Vent ladies, vent. For support and for that extra piece of chocolate. (Just don’t expect any virtual pats on the back when you try to work it off the next day.)
- People really don’t Tweet about what they had for breakfast. Unless they take a picture of it first. Don’t even get me started on dinner. Or snacks during Glee, Real Housewives, or The Biggest Loser.
And because the New Year always has us thinking about resolutions – things we will stop and start doing to have a better year – I’ll let you learn from my mistakes and share my own personal twi-resolutions on what to stop:
#1: Tweeting out any remarks, photos, or comments that in any way suggest a nine year old boy is still “cute” or “adorable”. He’s a Jedi Warrior (awww how cute is that?).
#2: Tweeting out any type of bodily function that any children have. It’s really not necessary. This type of things goes on ALL THE TIME. (The functions, not the Tweeting. Ok, both.)
#3: Tweeting out something that describes a situation that is unfortunate, but happens to all of us, and then ending it with “That.” For example “You know when it takes you 8 hours to make dinner and the kids eat it in 2? That.” I know, right? Boring. That.
Run out of things to say? No worries. You can always Tweet about what you just bought on the Home Shopping Channel at 2am. A “Tweep” will then back you up on it, and convince you to grab a glass of wine while you’re doing it. Because that’s the way we Tw-roll.
Kathy Buckworth is an award winning humour writer and television correspondent on parenting. Read Funny Mummy every month, visit www.kathybuckworth.com, and follow Kathy’s own Twi-venutres on Twitter.
Healthy You: Cure for the Holiday Hangover – How to Recover from a Season of Overindulgence
The Holidays is such a fun, festive, let-your-hair-down and loosen-your-belt-a-notch time of year. Let’s face it – we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays that we fall off whatever exercise and eating right regime we managed to fit in.
Now it’s January and you have the dreaded Holiday Hangover. You know the one: it’s the feeling you get after a few weeks of enjoying the Santa shaped shortbread your Mom makes, the boxes of chocolates at Aunt Millie’s, the-once-a-year deep fried turkey cousin Bob serves up and all made worse by the lack of time for exercise during the holidays.
Each January, we all vow to make a change, and start this year differently – exercise more, go to bed earlier and eat more salad! The gyms are crowded and the lettuce is flying off store shelves, but by March all is quiet again at the gym and lettuce is going on sale.
The truth is the best cure for the Holiday Hangover is not a New Year’s Resolution, but a Lifestyle Resolution.
The turkey and trimmings are a wonderful part of the holidays and some indulgence is okay if, throughout the year, you make little decisions each day that have a big impact all year long. Make sure you create new habits; don’t just make temporary changes.
Start the New Year Off with a Lifestyle Resolution
The best place to start is to Be Real. You are not going to give up chocolate and french fries and live happily ever after without them, but you also know picking up an order of fries at the drive thru twice a week is not going to make you feel better. Save the fries for a once-in-a-while treat and try putting the chocolate in the freezer (out of sight, out of mind really does work).
Be Smart. Start looking at your diet and not looking for a diet! Look at the food you eat regularly and then make small changes that will positively impact the amount nutrients you are getting. Choose realistic portion sizes, cut down on seconds, fill most of your plate with fruit or veggies, drink water instead of sugary sodas and avoid regular late night snacking. Learn about the importance of key vitamins like Omega 3’s for brain and heart health, vitamin D for strong immune system and B Vitamins for energy. By adding in extra-good-for-you food, it leaves less room for the not-so-good foods.
Be Committed. No one else is going to clear time in your schedule to fit in exercise except you. If a healthier and more active you is what you want, then commit to getting to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, take the stairs, or go for a brisk walk with kids in their stroller or wagon. If friends motivate you, enlist their help. If at home DVD’s will get your heart rate moving, invest in a few. If time is a factor, make it a family affair and write it on the family calendar in PEN.
Cure your Holiday Hangover by resolving to have a healthier lifestyle, hang on to the things that work and make you feel energized; modify the things that don’t. Change it up, try a new food, subscribe to healthy recipes on line, try a new cardio machine or yoga class at the gym and get to know the vitamin isle at the grocery store. Make it work for you, and then when you need a treat, enjoy that frozen piece of chocolate!
Deb Lowther is a mother of 3 young daughters who, when not running after the kids, is running in the trails! She blogs about Raising Healthy Kids and ensures her own have fun while eating healthy & staying active. You can visit her websites to learn more www.iron-kids.com & www.adultgummies.com!
Mommy Mojo: Boring Women Have Clean Houses – Getting Over the Cleanliness Guilt
“Boring women have clean houses.”
Those are the words on a framed piece on the table as you enter my home. The sign shows I don’t escape the feeling that I “should” have a spotless and uncluttered house and, if I don’t, society will judge me harshly.
Intellectually, judging a woman (or a man) on how she keeps her house is absurd. It’s your house, live in a way that’s comfortable for you. Yet, we’re caught in a strong societal memory, a cultural legacy that still sees women’s job as “keeping house”.
A recent survey by The Working Mother Research Institute of 3,700 mothers nationwide found that:
Working mothers feel most judged about:
1. How clean my house is
2. Not taking care of myself
3. The amount of time I spend with my children
Stay-at-home mothers feel most judged about:
1. My contribution to family finances
2. How clean my house is
3. Not using my education
How unfortunate.
Think about it. When you die, do you really want people to remember you by how clean your house was? Imagine the eulogy: Cherry was a good woman, her house was so clean. Or better yet, on your tombstone: Here lies Cherry Woodburn. She kept the cleanest house in the neighborhood.
I want to be known for being a good person. For playing with my kids. For loving them and raising them to be kind and responsible adults. For my work of helping women increase their confidence so they live the life they want, not the life someone else tells them to live.
A Friend’s Uber-Messy House
Take the story of my friend, Linda. She’s a very bright, accomplished woman. A joint project with an extremely tight deadline necessitated me flying to where she lived and staying at her home. When I walked into her house and discovered it was a complete wreck, every single room messy, my breath was taken away.
I couldn’t imagine living day-in and day-out in that house. But here’s the thing. I had the thoughts I mentioned, but that was it. Period. I didn’t think less of Linda. She remained the smart, creative, funny woman she was before I went into her house.
Her house cleaning did not change the person I came to be friends with. She was the person whose daughter almost died in an accident, followed by years of trips in and out of the hospital. Perhaps Linda was “forced” to learn what we all need to learn: that having a clean house is not a top priority in life.
Our kids are more important.
Our personal well-being is more important.
“But it’s different when it’s my house.”
I know it can feel that way. Too often, it’s easier to be more accepting of others, than of ourselves. Especially if you have a “friend” who makes snide remarks, or talks about how she vacuums every day.
But really, is that the type of friend you want anyway? Someone who judges you and makes snide remarks? Someone who gossips about how you live your life?
I say dump them. Those judgmental types of people are energy-zombies. After that, spend some time reflecting on your priorities. What do you really want in life? What do you really want for your children? Is a sparkling, uncluttered home at the top of the list of what you want?
Whatever you choose is right for you. Live by your standards, not some outmoded paradigm of how things should be.
Readers, how much guilt, if any, do you feel about the cleanliness of your home? How do you deal with it?
Mommy Mojo: Winning the Inner Game of Entrepreneurship – Top 10 Motivation and Mindset Tips of 2011
The inner game of entrepreneurship is a complex blend of dealing with guilt, maintaining motivation and staying in a positive mindset! In 2011, our experts covered them all – and more!
Top 10 Motivation and Mindset Tips of 2011
Protect Yourself from Toxic People! Dabney Porte on how Mean People Suck Your Energy: “Step Back – As with any toxic chemical, you must first limit your exposure to this person to prevent toxic side effects. Use this time to gain clarity and release yourself from any guilt or fear you may have of hurting the person’s feelings. Engaging with a toxic person adds stress to your life and damages your self-esteem. You must stop giving of your time and self to a person who brings no value to you. It is time to put you first.”
Let Go of the Guilt! Lisa Garber with tips on Getting Rid of Mom Guilt: “Get used to uncomfortable feelings. We all have to live with discomfort. Fear is a great example. Sometimes we just have to act even in the face of fear. Guilt is the same. When you make a decision to really take care of your own needs, you will feel guilty. However, the more you keep taking action, and the world is still spinning on its axis, the easier it is to take action the next time. One day, you might even lose the guilty feelings altogether. That is true freedom.”
Recognize Judgmental People! Aly Pain with advice on dealing with Mrs. Judgey-Judgerson from Judgementville: “Ultimately, there are a million ways to do any one thing and we will all have our own preferred methods without any one being ‘right’. Be confident in your methods with an open mind to what else is out there and you may learn and benefit from others when you choose to.”
Get Comfortable Asking for What You are Worth! Carolyn McCray on Owning Your Ambition: “Whatever You Do, Do NOT Apologize – Through each and every step of the way, do not be SHY. Do not hesitate to discuss pricing. Do not undercut yourself by apologizing or mumbling or looking away when you talk about your product or service.”
Recognize the Importance of Language! Aly Pain talks about The Most Dangerous Words “I’m JUST a Mom”: “It’s important to understand the role language plays in constructing our mental lives, and thus the results those beliefs manifest around us. The more you diminish what you do, the more smallness, disrespect and low-level people you attract. That plays out in the clients you connect with and the employees you bring into your business.”
Let Go of Perfection! Renee Walker on Ignoring the Negative Thoughts: “Whenever you start to feel “not good enough” recognize the stress you are feeling and look for ways to release it. Go for a walk, take a few long, slow deep breaths or put on the music and have everyone dance.
Stick to Your Goals! Sarah Robinson recommends Making Them Irresistible: “There’s a ton of information out there on setting and achieving goals. Make them SMART, break them down into small doable steps, create a vision board, etc. But here’s the thing about goals, if they are not utterly irresistible to me, I don’t care how SMART they are or how pretty my vision board is, I’m not going to do them.”
Ignore Your Inner Critic! Carolyn Ellis shares tips on Quieting Your Inner Critic: “Flip It: request your internal critic to give you its feedback in the form of questions instead of damning statements. Strong declarative statements like “You are never going to succeed!” just don’t take you anywhere productive. However, flipping that into a question like “How are you going to succeed in this?” can be very helpful. Why? The brain loves to answers questions! When asked a question, your mind will immediately start working on coming up with all of the things you would need to have in place in order to be successful.
Stay Out of Overwhelm! Yulit Price on dealing with Being Overworked, Overtired and Overwhelmed: “Stick to Self-care – As soon as we go into overwhelming times, we tend to drop our support lines. The ‘I can do it alone’ mindset often brings out the mother-as-martyr archetype, leaving you feeling bitter, resentful, and sacrificial. If you are engaged in a support group, therapy, coaching or counseling, do not drop out or let it go. Stick with it to help you navigate overwhelming times.”
Set Clear Boundaries! Aly Pain on Training People How to Treat You: “Just as the untrained puppy pees on the carpet completely unaware of any wrong-doing, the untrained client continues to make last-minute requests seemingly unconcerned that his little request forced you to cancel weekend plans to make the unreasonable deadline. Training people is most effective using clear and simple requests, similar to the blunt commands used to train puppies.”
Healthy You: Holiday Hectics – How to Stay Healthy During the Holidays
The holidays are the worst time to get sick and it seems that is exactly what happens! Days before the big holiday feast, you wake up with the sniffles or even worse, the kids do! Staying healthy over the hectic holiday season is just a matter of remembering your everyday healthy habits!
How to Stay Healthy During the Holidays
Wash those Hands: This one maybe easy to forget (or at least the kids may need some reminding!). It’s important to remember that most acute illnesses are due to poor hygiene and the easiest way to avoid getting sick is to wash your hands with soap and warm water.
Keep Hydrated: During this time of year, we tend to drink more sugary drinks – hot chocolate, egg nog – which I am okay with in moderation but we seem to forget to drink water. My suggestion is to have a pitcher filled with water available in the fridge at all times. If water doesn’t excite you, then try putting slices of oranges and lemons to add some zest and flavor or perhaps making a pitcher of herbal iced tea.
Think Color and Protein: When preparing meals, think about whole colorful foods. They are very nutritious and extremely tasty! Protein helps sustain you for longer periods (therefore helps in over snacking) and keeps your blood sugar levels balanced (i.e. no crazy mood swings).
Take Time for Yourself: Try to get up a little early and begin your day with some exercise – a brisk walk, yoga or a trip to the gym. The morning is a perfect time because as the day gets busy, exercise is one of the last things that we will want or find the time to do.
Happy Healthy Holidays!
Visit Dr. Heather, ND and Human Body Detectives series for kids, to learn more about Dr. Heather and her mission to have families be more proactive and healthy in their lives. You can also join the conversation on Twitter @drheathernd and HBD on Facebook.
Funny Mummy: Smells Like Teens Dispirited – Why Toddlers are Way Easier than Teens
I recently engaged in a debate online with other parents about whether they thought the Teen Years or the Toddler Years were harder to survive. Depending on the age of your children, opinions vary, although I think that parents of toddlers who nod and say “I hear teens are worse” don’t really believe anything could be difficult than the perilous parenting of a tippy and tantruming toddler.
Of course both ages and stages have their challenges, but the general consensus seemed to be that the teens were a little harder to take; mostly because they weren’t necessarily so cute anymore, and there was this whole bad attitude thing going on. The girls get snippy and the boys get surly; that’s what teenagers are made of. But as a Mom who has lived through a few toddlers through to their inevitable teenage stage, I know that there can be some great things about having these older kids in the house.
So I decided to employ a public relations strategy aimed at the average teenager, and inspire those parents who are currently going through the toddler years, and who might be feeling a little dispirited to learn that it in fact doesn’t get any easier.
So, with some positive ink, here are the great qualities today’s teenagers have, supported by words from their own brace-laden mouths:
- Budding Independence: “I can manage my own life Mom.” Pause. “Can you make me a grilled cheese?”
- Critical Thinkers: “Are you wearing that? Like outside the house? Just asking. Okay then.”
- Clarity Seeking: “Oh, are you still talking?”
- Solution Focused: “What is the point of being fat? I mean, just stop eating. There. Done.”
- Philosophical: “What is the point of a parade? You just stand there and people go by and then it’s over.”
- Proud: “That’s just your work stuff. I have real work to do. You know, for school. For my future.”
- Curious: “What do you do all day? It’s not that important, right?”
- Logical: “But you’d have to drive me to this party if I didn’t borrow the car. So I’m saving you time. What’s your time worth anyway? Can you give me some money?”
- Comforting: “Mom. Seriously. Don’t worry about your hair. No one is looking at you anyway.”
- Mindful of Others, Especially Brothers: “Someone has to tell him he’s an idiot.”
- Efficient With Their Time: “Anyway I stopped listening 10 minutes ago. What?”
- Advisors: “Old people go to bed at 10:00, Mom”
- Helpful: “Could you buy some good food?”
Like many facets of parenting, it’s always beneficial to look on the positive side of things. But try not to take it too far when they’re toddlers. We’re on to you when say thing like:
- The great thing about the baby waking up at 2:00am is that we have quality bonding time together. (HE DOESN’T SLEEP!!!!)
- He’s really impossible to feed. Guess he has discerning tastes. (HE WON’T EAT!!!!)
- When he threw that toy at my head I know he would be a man who knew his own mind. (IF HE ATE AND SLEPT MORE HE WOULDN’T BE SO FUSSY!!!!)
Personally I embrace the more unpleasant qualities a teenager brings to the (dinner) table, versus his toddler counterpart. Not the least of which they made writing this article incredibly easy, as I stole all of their lines, literally, from them. Now who’s showing some attitude? And yes, I’m totally wearing this outside.
When not writing down everything her kids say, Kathy is hard at work on her next book, “I Am So The Boss Of You”, due out with McClelland & Stewart, Spring, 2013. Follow Kathy on twitter or at www.kathybuckworth.com
Healthy You: Radical Calorie Reduction Diets – A Smart Start or a Dieting Disaster?
Before and after stories and images are powerful. If you’re struggling with something in your life, they can be just the catalyst needed to jump-start the new you.
But in the quest to accomplish something quickly and end our struggle, it might cause us to make a decision that, in the long run, takes us right back to square one. This is especially true of the weight-loss industry. It rivals the whole get-rich-quick industry with its promises of quick success. They have all the answers to your problems. Your struggles will be over – finally.
So what about those super restrictive diets?
Maybe you have friends use them to lose weight. There’s no doubt it’s going to happen. If you don’t eat as many calories as you’re expending, you’re going to lose weight. That’s just science. Sounds great! So what’s the problem? If only things were that simple – we’d all be millionaires right?
Impossible to Sustain and Dangerous for the Long Term
Often super restrictive diet plans suggest you should use the method short-term. They state they are not for the long term, but many are vague on what actually defines short-term use. This sets the enthusiastic dieter up for an unhealthy road. This is because it’s impossible to live on 500 calories a day and meet all your body’s needs. Long-term risks of such diets are muscle atrophy, electrolyte imbalances, cardiac arrhythmias, and osteoporosis.
Dieting is as much emotional as it is physical. Eating disorders are very real and very dangerous. The emotional toll of drastic dieting followed by binging after a drastic weight loss is an emotional rollercoaster. If you’re an emotional eater, which may be the key to your weight gain to begin with, it can set off a viscous cycle.
A huge part of physical health and long-term weight management is exercise. The 3 components are resistance, cardiovascular, and flexibility fitness. A drastic diet can’t supply you with enough carbohydrates (for fuel) and protein (for recovery) or other much-needed nutrients for a healthy immune system to be able to participate in the recommended amount of exercise for heart, muscle, bone, and joint health.
Extreme diets promise fat loss, but what they don’t tell you that you’ll lose precious muscle with it. Muscle is your best friend. This is incredibly important for women. The benefits of muscular fitness are increased bone density, decreased sarcopenia (muscle mass loss due to aging), increased ability to perform everyday tasks, decreased risk of injury, and a healthy metabolism. Muscle is a self-confidence booster giving you a feeling of well-being.
The Answer is NOT in a Pill or a Quick Fix
A kick-start to a new eating plan is fine. We all like a bit of success right out the gate. It feels good to see some positive change. But there’s a healthy way to make that happen.
Keys to Long-Term Weight Loss Success
Check with your doctor: You first need to make sure that your doctor feels you can begin an exercise and healthy eating program. If you are obese, your doctor needs to supervise what diet and exercise plan you’re undertaking. There are major health risks associated with obesity. Be safe and be smart.
Calculate calories: Calories needed are calculated by gender, age, height, weight, and physical activity level. Once you arrive at that number, lowering your calories by 500 per day would give you a loss of one pound a week. You must have a starting point. Not only will you have a realistic goal, but also a safe one that will serve you for a lifetime.
Set daily and weekly goals: Make them specific for you and your circumstances. An example of a daily goal might be “Today I will only drink water and no soda.” Starting with what you drink everyday is a simple and easy calorie finder. Many people find that just by eliminating all the calories they drink everyday they experience a loss of weight.
Read labels: Huge! You’ll be surprised at the amount of calories, sugar, and sodium you’re eating and drinking. Most labels use trickery knowing you’ll quickly glance at the label to check the total calories. Always check servings first. Look for sugar, sodium, calorie, and saturated fat totals. Label reading will cause you to make better choices before you take it home where you’ll likely eat or drink it. My favorite app for shopping is the Fooducate App, which gives alternatives and comparisons. It’s my grocery shopping secret weapon.
Keep moving: Thinking of taking on a huge fitness program can be intimidating, but fitness fits in throughout your day. My mantra is “No amount of exercise, no matter how small, is ever a waste of time.” The more you move throughout your day, the more energy you’re expending, and the more calories you’re burning. Be in constant motion as much as you can be. Even your sleep will be sweeter.
Be someone’s buddy: The typical advice is to find a buddy, but I say be a buddy. By focusing on being there to motivate someone else, you will be consistent and committed to helping them reach their goals. In turn, yours will be met by your commitment to them!
Find all the workouts and nutrition advice you need over at FreakingFitness.com. Just click on the blue FitStudio button and there’s a fitness program for every fitness level with sample exercises to make the most of all your bits!
Mommy Mojo: Are You the Victim of Social Bullying? When Other Moms Refuse to Play Nice
It happened.
Your child was bullied by another child.
You intervened.
And then, you found yourself on the ‘mother’ side of bullying.
The phenomenon of the so called “mean girl” is often associated with relational bullying. While researchers are more heavily focused on the “mean girl” tactics and behavior, stories of her parallel – the “mean mom”, are less told.
Yet, the consequences of relational bullying amongst moms are just as harmful, devastating, and damaging.
Signs of Relational Bullying (aka Mean Mom Syndrome)
#1: You are subject to purposeful rumors and wide spread gossip.
#2: You are being socially excluded.
#3: You are subject to social manipulations that are aimed at ostracizing and isolating you.
Being a parent of a child who has been subjected to bullying behavior is no easy position to be in. It is hard enough on mothers to see their children hurt. It becomes even harder to cope when, as a result of intervening, YOU begin to hurt.
According to Dr. Michele Borba, the decision to confront the bully’s parents may be “a tough ride”: “a bully’s parent usually denies their kid is guilty and may blame your child as well and feel you are criticizing her parenting. Don’t be surprised if you are told to ‘toughen up your kid’ or be shocked if the bully’s parent is a bully herself”.
So what can be done to prevent relational blowback on the (m)other side of bullying?
How to Handle It When Other Moms Refuse to Play Nice
#1: Educate Yourself - How aware are you of the dynamics at play? There is usually much room for increasing your awareness on both sides, as the mother of the victim, or as the mother of the attacker. Check out The Bully, bullied, and the bystander by Barabara Coloroso or When Bullying intensifies by Dr. Michele Borba.
#2: Transcend your Ego – This can be hard to do, but if, one day, you are ‘receiving’ the news (from the school, or directly from the victim’s mother) that your child has engaged in bullying behavior, give yourself some time to let all the feelings settle. Then see if you can put your ego aside (the part of you that is likely to feel triggered – threatened, attacked, or criticized).
#3: Respond Mindfully – Reacting, retaliating, and ripping social connections can be detrimental to any mother’s well being. Resist the temptation to use taunting, gossiping, and passive-aggressive forms of intimidation. Can you shift into a solution-focused mode of resolving, restoring, and repairing?
#4: Model! Model! Model! – We are modeling to our children all the time whether we are conscious of it or not. Whatever strategy you will employ in dealing with the ‘reporting’ mother will model conflict-resolution for your child. Are you taking or deflecting responsibility? Are you being defensive or contemptuous? Are you severing social connections? Pause to think: what conflict messages do you wish to transfer to your child?
#5: Check the Play Field - You may be quick to ‘cut’ the other (child and mother) from your social circle. You were friends, now you are enemies. There was connection, now complete disconnection. Yet often, there is an unexplored field in between this ‘all-or-none’ thinking. Can you feel your pain and the other mother’s pain? Can you learn to have these hard conversations AND still live in community? Can you acknowledge the conflict AND still maintain integrity? Given that mothers and children often share the same play field for years, seek AND solutions in lieu of ‘all-or-none’ ones.
Fostering the egoless approach to restoring and repairing relationships is the core of our work as parents, if we want to live safely and peacefully in our communities.
Want more tips on how to deal with difficult situations? Visit YulitPrice.com!
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- I love that @AlyPain tells it like it is --> STOP Blaming Your Children - Why YOUR Failure Isn't THEIR Fault - http://t.co/LPo51mgI
- Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, "Make me feel important." ~Mary Kay Ash
