Family Friday: The Ultimate Truth Speakers – Listening to What Your Children Are Saying to You
Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? Things like: “The best things about penises is you can aim them”, my 6-year-old daughter’s random observation about the differences between boy and girl (ahem) parts.
What makes these simple observations about the world so wonderfully amazing is the truthfulness in them. Unlike adults who have learned the fine art of filtering, children speak their minds – whether we like it or not.
Children are the ultimate truth speakers. Their truths may not always be earth shattering, but they are usually spot-on. Like when a friend’s son said that the reason adults liked all that disgusting spicy food and strong coffee is because “they are old and their taste buds are all dead.” Probably true.
What happens when their truth speaking is aimed at us? What happens when it calls us out for good reason? What happens when they speak their truth when they say things like: “Why do you work so much? Can you please put away your iPhone? Why are you on the computer all the time?”
Listening to What Your Children Are Saying to You
#1: Listen…Carefully – It’s easy to miss the little gems of truth in all the chatter. If you don’t want to miss hearing the important stuff, listen. I mean really listen to what they are saying.
#2: Leave the Judgment Out – The temptation is to start judging (yourself or your child). Don’t! Leave your judgments out of it and just accept their truth as-is.
#3: Look for the Truth – Of course, children aren’t always accurate in their truths, but chances are they are headed in the right direction. Look for the truth behind what they are saying.
#4: Resist the Temptation to Explain – We both know that we can outmaneuver our kids in the logical reasoning and verbal department (and good for you). Resist the temptation to explain and justify your actions.
#5: Respond Truthfully – Take this opportunity to turn your actions into a teachable moment. Discuss how you can change or work together to come up with a compromise.
The hardest part of hearing the truth when it’s directed at you is the damage that it does to your ego. We always think of ourselves as the teachers of our children, neglecting to see how much they teach us.
Mommy Mojo: Funny Mummy – Table for Poo?
Recently there’s been a lot of discussion about whether restaurants have the right to turn away non-adults, or children/babies simply on the basis of their age. The whole argument strikes me as rather ludicrous. All we have to do is institute certain rules that won’t smack of age-ism or be construed as being baby-ist and we can have a natural selection process take place where the sword might come down on children…or those who simply act like them.
These rules could include:
• If you chew with your mouth open, lick your knife or the top of the dessert of the person sitting beside you, you’re out.
• If you interrupt any Mom talking about her busy day with any remark resembling “Not just people with kids are busy, you know.” you’re out.
• If you cry, whine, yell, scream, in a setting where Moms are trying to relax, you’re out.
• If you spit your food out, you’re out.
• If, for any reason, the people traveling with you are required to carry Wet Wipes for your use, you’re out.
• If you wear a bib – or worse, a tucked in napkin or plastic square with a lobster printed on it – you’re out.
• If you didn’t pick out your own outfit this morning, you’re out. (Yes this gets rid of husbands who can’t pick their own shirts either – but really, what type of conversationalist is this guy going to be anyway?)
• If there is the slightest chance you might expel bodily fluids from any orifice while still seated at the table, you’re out.
• If you can’t stop looking at women’s breasts with an overly appreciative and hungry eye…and when you stand up you’re higher than them, you’re out.
Of course, no exclusionary policy would be complete without also instituting VIP membership criteria for good or exceptional behaviour, as well. From my opinion this might be:
• Gurgling, giggling and spontaneously smiling at anything I say.
• Gazing at me with pure adoration and love.
• Holding on to my finger with your entire hand.
Pretty straightforward, I think. It’s not the babies we object to, per se, it’s the unquestionably bad behaviour which we wouldn’t accept at any age. Now sit up straight and start gazing.
Kathy Buckworth’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” is available at bookstores everywhere. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com or follow Kathy on Twitter @ www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth
Parenting 101: How to make Peer Pressure a Positive Experience – Math Quizzes and Spelling Bees aren’t the Only Tests your Kids will be Facing as they head Back to School
Back to School means our kids will be tested in all sorts of ways – both academic and social. One of the biggest challenges facing our children is peer pressure.
Peer pressure is influence from people of the same age, group or affiliation, to behave in the same way regardless of individual attitudes, feelings, or beliefs. It can be positive and healthy, or negative and destructive. Peer pressure is with us all our lives, even as adults. It’s the result of our basic need to belong, in our family, peers and our social groups.
Peer pressure is the most influential during the school years, from middle childhood to adolescence, when your child is venturing forth and discovering his self-identity outside the safe confines of the immediate family. Our children’s desire for acceptance is normal and a healthy developmental stage. Our goal as parents is to help our children cope with negative peer pressure while growing to healthy independence.
As our children grow up and get involved in clubs, sports teams, and social activities with friends, they are exposed to the attitudes and behaviors of other children. That’s not even counting the largest group of peers they face everyday – their classmates. Through their peers, they will be exposed to video games, brand name clothing, scooters, swear words, graffiti, dares, and of course, negative attitudes.
Many of these interactions are good influences, but others are not-so-good depending on how these influences fit with our family norms. Our children are going to encounter values, attitudes and beliefs that are different from our families’ values throughout their lives. So what can parents do? Parents can subtly influence the choice of peers, but cannot control the choice completely.
The positive side of peer pressure
Peers provide encouragement and challenge to engage in positive activities. Peers can provide positive pressure to join a soccer team, stop bad habits, work on community projects, and eat healthier or even set up a business. Peers also ease some of the stress in the major transitions in life by providing security and confidence. Peers listen, understand, and provide a sounding board. Children need to go out in the world and test the values learned at home.
Peers teach compromise, negotiation skills and fair play. We can teach our children all we want about losing graciously in a soccer game, but a friend will teach our child actual consequences if they display obnoxious behavior. They might not speak to them for a while. Another positive is that children gain experience in reading the social norms of groups, which is excellent practice for being a discerning adult.
How parents can positively influence peer relations
#1: Fulfill the need for acceptance – The need for acceptance in a peer group will become much greater if the child’s needs are unmet by the family. These needs include acceptance of themselves, unconditional love, understanding, fun, the need for control and autonomy, the need of skill mastery and self-confidence.
#2: Fulfill the need for approval – The more the child needs approval, the greater the possibility he will override his beliefs and attitudes with the prevailing behavior of the peer group.
#3: Understand the need to match with the opposite – Children often find their unrealized personality characteristics in friends. For example, a shy child will gravitate toward a more outgoing child.
#4: Know the warning signs of negative peer pressure – The three key signs are: 1) your child is heavily dependent on approval by others, including you, 2) your child won’t take responsibility for his actions when in trouble and blames his peers instead, and 3) your is secretive about friendships and won’t bring friends home.
As parents, it’s important to remember that “we can’t adjust the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Our children will inevitably meet up with negative influences. While controlling how much or what type these influences is impossible, we can control the quality of our parent-child relationship.
>> Continue to page 2 for how parents can overcome negative peer pressure
Parenting 101: How to make Peer Pressure a Positive Experience – What can parents do to overcome peer pressure?
What can parents do to overcome negative peer pressure?
#1: Look at unmet needs and underlying feelings of your child – Look beyond his behavior. Does he need more attention, self-confidence, encouragement, and understanding? You can give it!
#2: Keep connected to your child – Spend time with him. Give him unconditional love. He won’t want to do things to jeopardize his relationship with you.
#3: Treat your child with dignity and respect – Respect his space and belongings. Avoid criticism, judgments, and put-downs. Treat your child with politeness and kindness and he will come to expect it from his peers too.
#4: Help your child maintain healthy self-esteem – Help him develop his talents and abilities to give him confidence. Every child excels at something. Encourage him rather than praise him, to avoid over reliance on approval from others. Focus on the effort, not the results of his activities.
#5: Pick your issues carefully – Give your child small harmless rebellions. Teach your child to follow his instincts (the feeling in his tummy).
#6: Allow your child to say “No” if he and you feel it’s appropriate – For example: sharing toys, accepting rides, participating at an event. Teach your child to be politely assertive with peers, siblings, other adults and you. Remember that other adults do not always have your child’s best interests at heart.
#7: Keep communication lines open –Listen, listen and listen some more. Be non-judgmental and acknowledge feelings behind your child’s words and actions. Seek to understand why your child wants the negative peer relationship. For example, when a friend is a negative influence, ask “Tell me how Jim is valuable to you? What do you get out of being with Jim? What risks might there be hanging out with Jim? What are your plans to deal with the risk? What role do you want me to play in helping you deal with the risks?”
#8: Increase your child’s decision-making – Starting about age nine, limit rules to ones that are necessary for safety and get your child’s input on them. They need autonomy and control over their lives as much as adults, even though they are lacking in experience. Children need practice in making good choices and decisions. They learn best by experiencing the consequences of those choices, when the results are not yet so serious, and they have you around to guide them. Ask, “What did you learn about this? What can you do instead next time?”
#9: Help your child find those unrealized parts of himself – When your child seeks out his alter-personality in a friend that’s a negative influence, help him develop those qualities in himself so the need to seek them out in others is lessened. For example, get him into supervised rock climbing if he likes to hang around a peer that thrives on danger in destructive ways.
>> Return to page 1 of “How to make Peer Pressure a Positive Experience”
Parenting 101: The Road Less Traveled: Do As I Say and As I Do – Teaching Kids about Character
Children learn to imitate at a very young age. It’s how they learn to behave, care for themselves, develop new skills, and communicate with others. From their earliest moments, children watch you closely and begin to pattern their own behavior and beliefs after yours. The example you set becomes a permanent model that will influence and often shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life.
Consistently demonstrating habits of character, such as gratitude, responsibility, integrity, unity and service will help build a strong sense of security and self-esteem. Learning character will help your begin to feel more confident and more connected at home, school and in the community. He or she will start to feel like a leader.
Three simple ways to model habits of character for your child
#1: Take care of yourself – It’s important to take good care of yourself. When you focus on what is best for your child, it can become easy to neglect your own needs. Your child is counting on you physically and emotionally, so it’s imperative that you model for your child that taking care of yourself helps you to take care of him or her as well as your entire family. Making your own self-care a priority also shows your child that not only do you love them and the rest of the family, but you love yourself as well. Whether you treat yourself to a night out or start your own business, you are teaching your child that you are not only a parent of character, but a person of character.
#2: Nurture relationships – Whether your spouse, family member or friends, it’s important to nurture relationships. Let your child see you communicate in a positive and healthy manner with others. Express gratitude and show love and affection for one another so your child can begin to learn early on what healthy relationships should be like.
#3: Own up – Stop making excuses for mishaps, delays and errors in judgment. Rather, own up to mistakes when you make them, and take responsibility for being open and host about these mistakes. When you take responsibility for your words and actions, you reinforce messages of integrity, trust and honest. You reinforce messages – and habits – of character.
It’s important to be the person you want your child to be. When you consistently demonstrate habits of character with your child, you will soon see him or her patterning many behaviors after your own. You will see your child do as you do and as you say.
Don’t forget to add your comments below–we love to hear from you!
Family Friday– The one list every family needs, but few ever create!
What is the most priceless gift you can give your children (besides life and unconditional love)? Experience – plain and simple.
Both the once-in-a-lifetime extraordinary adventures and somewhat ordinary everyday living that shape their worldview. Experience that gives them firsthand knowledge of the infinite colors, shapes and textures of life and what it means to live theirs to the fullest.
Thinking about this made me realize that although I had created a ‘Bucket List’ for myself, I neglected to create a similar list that documented what I want to share with my daughter before she left home. A ‘Family Bucket List’ so to speak, without the morbid connotation.
Our Family Adventure List (in no particular order)…
• Participate in an act of hands-on charity
• See the Wonders of the World (Maybe not all of them, but attempt to give her a head start!)
• Meet an artist
• Eat something really weird
• Build a secret fort
• Attend a world festival
• Experience culture shock
• See wildlife outside the zoo
• Ride a horse
• Tell ghost stories around a campfire
• Interview a public figure
• Live in a foreign country
• Try something difficult (The mom in me says nothing dangerous though!)
• Go to summer camp
• Learning another language outside the classroom
• Sit on the top of a mountain
• Build something by hand
• Play Monopoly
• Explore a metropolitan city on foot
• Write a travel journal
• Spend a summer reading books
• Compete in a science fair
• Bake a pie
• Rescue an animal
• About creating a Family Adventure List
Writing a Family Adventure list is more than creating an 18-year to-do list – it’s about connecting with your values, about what you want for your children. I want my daughter to try (and possibly fail) at difficult challenges and learn a love of life by exploring the wonders of the world (official and unofficial).
I purposely included everyday seemingly mundane activities, like baking a pie and reading books, and things from my childhood that I would love to share with my daughter, like riding a horse and playing monopoly. I left out the life lessons she would experience without me, the normal growing up stuff that just happens.
Take a moment to think about your Family Adventure List and share your thoughts in our comments below! We’d love to hear what you think!
What Treehouses Teach Us
I’ve thought long and hard about what makes children feel good about themselves and the world they live in. I’ve also read a lot of books and articles on this topic because it is my passion, but instead of overloading you with research or information, I thought it would be best to share some general thoughts and mention one good book I found particularly meaningful.
My first thought is that in order for children to feel confident, they must first feel competent. They have to experiment and test their limits. They have to fail so they can figure what success is. Things have to backfire and go wrong before they can accomplish something great. It’s a common transformational truth: WE LEARN MORE FROM FAILURE THAN SUCCESS. I say let’s teach children the truth and give it to them as soon as possible. It’s my humble opinion and I’m sticking to it.
My second thought is that in order to fail, children need to play independent of their adult caregivers. If adults do everything for them, how and why would children learn to become resourceful adults? Which leads me to my third thought, and that is I’m concerned for the generation below me. Children today seem unmoved when people in my generation tell stories of how they roamed neighborhoods and played outside all day. They don’t know what it’s like to be unrestricted and not confined to a certain area, unusually a playground created by adults. Researchers have come up with a label for this generation of children that is not only being raised indoors, but also confined to smaller spaces. The term is “containerized kids.” I would love nothing more than to set them free.
When I was young I climbed trees, made amazing forts in the woods, and rode my bike in all directions all day long arriving home just in time to sit down for dinner, cough, at the dinner table. When my friends and I constructed secret hideouts in the woods, we had to have been on somebody’s property, but the thought of trespassing never hindered our building campaigns. Thank you, by the way, I don’t know who. I can still see and hear your babbling brook and taste the sweet honeysuckle that beckoned us to indulge. It was from your sturdy oak trees I learned about the laws of physics long before I took the class. I forged friendships while foraging through your forest. May God bless you, and I mean it.
Richard Louv, the author of the book Last Child in the Woods – Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder, checked in with the researchers. An indoor sedentary childhood is linked to mental health problems. On the other hand, studies show that exposure to nature may reduce the symptoms of ADHD and improve cognitive skills.
Okay, everyone, let’s stop what we’re doing and take a walk. When you get back, you can read Louv’s list of what treehouses can teach us.
Ten Things Treehouses Teach Us
- You learn the most common sizes of lumber will be 4’ x 8’ sheets of plywood and 2” x 4” studs.
- You learn that diagonal bracing takes place in corners.
- You learn how to hinges work in a trap door.
- You learn the difference between screws and nails.
- You learn how pulleys work.
- You learn framing strengthens an opening such as a door or window.
- You learn how to slope a roof to shed rain.
- You learn how to cut with a handsaw.
- You learn about measurement and three-dimensional geometry.
- You learn how the size of your body relates to the world, specifically the size of your arms and legs verses the diameter of the tree trunk, your height and length of your legs on ladder rungs, your reach, your girth verses the opening of the trapdoor, and the height from which you can safely jump without breaking any bones.
But there’s more than these token ten lessons. Children, if they’re lucky, will learn how it feels to bonk their head on a trap door and not run to an adult to “make it better.” Kids try really, really hard not to cry in front of their peers. They will be forced to tough it out because they can’t go looking for sympathy. Trying times will help our children develop character, and did I mention competency? For instance, little girls who play in the woods learn how to accurately identify poison ivy. Boys don’t learn about the wicked vine the same way girls do.
FILL IN THE BLANK WITH A FEW LESSONS YOU LEARNED PLAYING IN THE WOODS:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q: What happens once a fort is built?
A: The storytelling begins.
Children will claim their victories professing their conquests (competency). Perhaps they can boast about how they used scouting skills to find the perfect location. Moss only grows the north side of the tree, ya know. Once the fort has been settled, someone has to come up with the secret handshake and the secret knock to get in. What about the rules for what takes place inside the clubhouse? If this isn’t a proving ground for leadership training, I don’t know what is. And ultimately, a moment arrives when the work is done and the workers will become bored, which is a good thing. Boredom is the ideal stimulus for change, for invention. This is when the collective creativity reaches its summit. The fort must have a purpose. I’d have to find and read my diaries to recall the precise details, but believe me, the forts I built had strict regulations, one of which was what snacks were preferred and what snacks were prohibited. Don’t leave home without at least a half dozen Twinkies and for goodness sake, leave the celery sticks at home. (I’ve since switched my position.)
I could list many more Jodie’s LIFE LESSONS FROM THE WOODS, but I think you get the idea. My point is…adults, let’s be mindful of traps that reduce our children’s chances for success. Next time you see a treehouse think of all the lessons learned there. Every treehouse represents a couple of competent, confident kids who most likely grew up to be resourceful, creative adults. Be intentional about playing outdoors but use caution. I hate to say it, but the world we live in today is a lot more dangerous than the one I grew up in forty years ago.
My motto: It’s not our responsibility as adults to pave the way for our children. It is, however, a good idea to provide a decent roadmap.
Jodie Randisi, a professional speaker with hands-on experience and a commitment to excellence in both business and in the education of our youth, received her degree in special education from Millersville University. She has been an educator for over 25 years and small business owner for 15 years. As a certified Family Manager™ coach, Jodie works alongside individuals and families to help them create a balanced lifestyle and the home of their dreams—happy, simplified, and organized. Her latest book, 201 Things to Do When Children Say I’M BORED! The Checklist and Journal for Busy Families, has earned her the title “The Boredom Eraser and Family Fun Expert.” For information about COWCATCHER Publications and Presentations and Jodie’s book, go to www.201thingstodo.com.
Entrepreneurial Kids: Lessons from the Lemonade Stand – 5 Simple Ways to Encourage Your Kids to be Successful Entrepreneurs
By Sarah Cook
A Lemonade Stand is more than just a pitcher of lemonade and a few dollars made on a hot sunny day. The lemonade stand can be a great way to teach kids about business, build their confidence, and give them life skills they will take with them forever.
#1 Smile, wave and say, “Hi” – There are lots of things you can teach your children about entrepreneurship at a lemonade stand. Two of them are: smiles are icebreakers and friendly waves catch people’s attention. Another is saying, “Hi my name is ______” followed by a leading question to start a sales conversation.
For example, “Hi my name is Susie. Have you ever heard of Berry Blue or Peachy Pink Lemonade?” If “No” then your child can say, “Great! I have a sample of each right here for you to try.” The customer loves the sample, and your child has made another sale!
If “Yes”, the response could be “Great, we have each on sale for only 50 cents. How many would you like?” Either way, your child is likely to get the sale because you have taught them to positively and politely assume the sale.
#2 Sign. What sign?” Have you ever had that conversation with your spouse? So many businesses and tourist attractions miss out on potential sales because they don’t have proper signage – don’t let your child’s lemonade stand be one of them!
The signs should be eye catching, easy to read, and posted in places where people will see them. For example, on the street corner, by the house, by the lemonade stand and even on Facebook.
Facebook? Yes – many of my closest friends are on Facebook and when my kids are selling something, I shamelessly promote the details of what they are doing. Not in an annoying sort of way, but people like to support young entrepreneurs and YOUR KIDS are included! Plus, it will show your kids that you are proud of what they are doing because you are telling others about it.
Please be warned that if you are going to post the details on the Internet, I would recommend that you DO NOT do the lemonade stand at your home.
#3 Location, Location, Location! – The best lemonade stands I have seen were held in conjunction with a garage sale, a sporting event, or in an area with lots of pedestrian traffic. There is nothing worse than setting your kids up for failure by having a lemonade stand on a Tuesday morning in the most remote part of a sub-development.
Next time your child wants to have a lemonade stand recommend to them that they scour the classifieds to find the nearest upcoming garage sale and partner with the garage sale host so that they can make the most money for the time they will be spending.
#4 Sweet or Sour Service? Think about the times you have had great customer service and the times when you haven’t. Teach your children to always remember to say things like, “Thank you”, “Have a great day”, and “Thanks for stopping by”.
Help your kids develop a positive customer service culture by teaching them to speak clearly to customers, offer plenty of napkins, have a garbage can available, and the importance of a nice table display.
#5 YOU are what makes it Unique. Teach your kids that THEY are what make their businesses unique. My oldest son’s business is all about technology. My daughter’s is about crafts and cooking and my youngest son’s is about sports and fitness. When they are able to bring their uniqueness and their passion to their entrepreneurial venture they will find joy, satisfaction and fun in making money.
If they decided to do a lemonade stand at the garage sale down the street, help them to figure out what they can do to make it UNIQUE based on what makes them unique. Will they pass out recipe cards with the best lemon sports drink on it? Will they donate part of the profits to a charity? What will their trademark be?
Whatever you do, be supportive as a parent! Encourage your kids to make their own money and to take care of their money by saving some, investing some, sharing some, and YES – spending some!
Sarah Cook, is the Founder & CEO of Raising CEO Kids. She is an in-demand speaker, business and parenting coach, and soon-to-be author. Sarah has been married for nearly 17 years and she and her husband are the parents of three young entrepreneurs. For more information you can go to http://RaisingCEOKids.com
Relationship Renovation…
Date night for Alice and Bart often meant shopping at Target or the grocery store. Nothing like choosing lettuce and light bulbs to stir the romantic embers. With a never-ending to-do list and the added responsibilities of a newborn, this dual-income couple found it increasingly difficult to nurture their relationship. Until Alice attended a group counseling session, discovering how to rejuvenate her marriage.
“I learned what brings me joy in my life,” says Alice, a marketing rep in Harrisburg, Pa., married six years. She requested her last name withheld to protect family privacy. “Both of us like to be outside,” Alice says of Bart while strolling recently with their 5-month-old son through their neighborhood. “We try to make time to be together where we’re not distracted” by errands or housework, she says. Long walks or road trips with a sleeping child in tow seem to do the trick. “It reminds me why we’re together.”
It’s no wonder marriages are pushed to the back burner when trying to manage children, a job, housework, financial strains and schedule overload. Unlike these other areas that vie for our attention, relationships tend to “quietly soldier on” until it’s too late, says James Córdova, director of the Marriage Checkup program at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.
That’s why even the most successful marriages need a relationship overhaul from time to time, according to psychologists and counselors interviewed for this story.
Here are a few marital issues cited by the experts and their suggested remedies:
Conflict: Where’s the Romance?
Resolution: Experience The Embrace
Hugs will never be the same after you’ve tried this mindful approach from Córdova, author of the new book, “The Marriage Checkup: A Scientific Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health.”
Enter the hug from a position that does not require straining, he says. “Breathe into the hug. Relax into the contact, turning your attention to the moment, the warmth, softness, pressure of contact. Allow an awareness of all the qualities of the moment. Walk through each of your senses. Experience the totality.”
Now stay this way for five minutes. “It’s quite a bit longer than most couples will hug,” Córdova admits. Rest assured, with regularity, the awkward barriers will disappear, “allowing a deeper, more embodied experience just to be with this unique person.”
“Our minds tend to want to rush off,” he says. “This is an opportunity to practice just being aware. It can be a real basis to foster intimacy.”
Hugging not your thing? Try a little eye contact to bolster your declarations of love, says Dr. Robert Moss, a clinical psychologist in Greenville, S.C. While words may be cheap, the nonverbal message is: “You are worth my time simply to gaze into your eyes and tell you.”
An eye statement tends to lessen the impact of many marital troubles, according to Marriage Counselor Ann Smith, of Reading, Pa. Greeting each other with the eyes should be the first priority upon entering the home after separation, she says. “Put it ahead of the mailbox and bills, even if only for two minutes to see the person you love. Then, when you open the bills, they do not seem so bad.”
Conflict: Who Has Time For a Date?
Resolution: Consider Bungee-Jumping
Undefined plans for a getaway or date next weekend or next month may never materialize, Córdova says. “We look for found time to grab in spare moments. Even though it seems simple, you have to make time because you are never going to find time.”
He recommends couples schedule regular, predictable time during which they can actively explore and experience the world, possibly try something neither one has done before. “They should practice a type of curiosity about each other and about the world.”
Couples who think they know everything about the spouse fail to understand that everyone is evolving, Córdova says. “If you’re bored with the person you are with it’s a sure sign you have stopped paying attention to ‘who the person I am with today is because certainly I’m not the same person as yesterday.’”
Every six months to a year couples should also plan a getaway so they don’t feel as helpless about their relationship and have something to look forward to, he says.
Conflict: Put Up Your Dukes
Resolution: It’s Called Communicating
If you know your spouse is frustrated about something, actively listen without trying to solve the issue, Moss says. You might address your partner: “If we can agree not to look for solutions, I can just to be there to hold you so you’re not alone, so I don’t have to feel like I want to escape.”
Anger is not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship, Córdova adds. Use dance lessons as an analogy for communication. “You are going to step on toes. If you say ‘ow’ and your partner does the same thing, naturally you learn to dance gracefully together.
You get to say ‘ow,’ that pissed me off, but you do not get to attack each other’s character.”
Conflict: The Thrill is Gone
Resolution: Attract A Crowd
Schedule gift deliveries several times a year when your partner least expects it, not just on Valentine’s Day, anniversaries or birthdays, says Moss, who latest self-help book offers marriage counseling, “For Better or For Worse: Am I in Love with a Giver or a Taker?”
“If your wife works, send it to her at work. Get in front of people a special surprise they will see. The attention from others activates positive feelings.”
On the other hand, be cautious about sending gifts as an apology, he warns. Like makeup sex, such gifts may subconsciously force your partner to start an argument to gain the reward.
Conflict: The Honey-Do List
Resolution: It Takes Two
Set aside problem-solving sessions twice a week for 45 minutes to an hour without distractions, Moss says. Take the phone off the hook, occupy the children and alternate presenting a problem, ensuring the listener understands the issue and agreed-upon solution. “If it’s two hours a week, you free up all the rest of the time to do positive things.”
Smith suggests finding a permanent location around your home, outside the bedroom and earshot of children, for face-to-face discussions. Ideally three to four times a week couples should meet here to debrief, away from whatever is bothering them, says Smith, executive director of Breakthrough at Caron, a nonprofit wellness program that helps break unhealthy life patterns.
JOIN US on Friday for PART TWO–How To Use Relationship Renovation Tips with your Co-Workers!
-
-
-
-
- I love that @AlyPain tells it like it is --> STOP Blaming Your Children - Why YOUR Failure Isn't THEIR Fault - http://t.co/LPo51mgI
- Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, "Make me feel important." ~Mary Kay Ash
