Mommy Mojo: Feel Like Outlawing Your In-Laws? How to Not Be the Dreaded Mother-In-Law
Jokes about mother-in-laws have been around as long as civilization itself. But when you’re the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, the difficulties of the relationship are no laughing matter.
It seems problems between the in-laws increase with the arrival of children. A grandchild means families spend more time together, providing more opportunities for conflict. Often in-laws resent not having the chance for more time with the grandchild.
Speaking as a dreaded mother-in-law, navigating this challenging relationship only becomes more difficult with the arrival of grandchildren. Twenty months ago my younger son, Aaron, and daughter-in-law, Jasmine, received two-year-old foster child in the middle of the night. They’re now in the process of adopting her.
We’re all over the moon about the new addition to our family, but of course, we all had a lot to learn about our new roles and relationships.
What NOT to do as a Mother-in-Law: My Mother-in-Law Bads
#1: Helping sometimes implies judgment – It’s hard to imagine that something as simple as pitching in would cause resentment, but sometimes that little bit of help is interpreted as judgment.
I fell into this trap when staying with my son and his wife. Seeing them busy with their jobs, parenting and foster care meetings, I thought I’d help out by cleaning the house. The problem was I never asked them if it was okay and the helpfulness was perceived as me judging the way they kept their home.
A follower of mine – who’s a daughter-in-law – wrote me to say I could have avoided the ensuing resentment if I’d said, “I see you two are working long hours, what can I do to help you around the house?”
#2: Being lenient undermines the rules – One of the true delights of being a grandparent is playing with your grandchild and being lenient, which is what I considered the role of the grandmother.
However, the new parents were trying to establish rules, so Aaron and Jasmine felt undermined by my actions. Instead of presenting a unified parenting (and grandparenting) front to my granddaughter, I was teaching her that it was okay to bend the rules.
#3: Questioning the rule-setter is a big no-no – Every parent has their own style and the best way to help them is by supporting their rules, not questioning them. My daughter-in-law is the primary rule-setter and my son supports her with the rules.
Questioning my son about one rule I disagreed with was a major ‘bad’ on my part because it not only meant that I was in effect criticizing their parenting style, but it put my son in the middle of his wife and mother.
How to Improve Your Relationship With Your In-Laws
- Understand that your in-laws are not purposely trying to undermine you. It’s new territory for them too and, although it may not seem it, your in-laws are doing the best they can at that moment.
- Treat your in-laws with respect, even when you’re hurt or angry. It is difficult when you believe your in-laws aren’t respecting you. But the more you model respect, the greater opportunity you have for influencing their behavior.
- Have a family meeting to discuss boundaries. Be clear about what’s important to you and actively listen to what’s important to them. Show them you understand her/his point of view and discuss any boundaries you won’t compromise on and explain why.
- Be willing to compromise. For example, with your in-laws’ relationship with your children, say okay to two scoops of ice cream or a bedtime that’s half an hour later then you’d like when your children are at their in-laws’ house. It won’t hurt the kids and kids understand there are different rules for different situations.
- Always think of the children. Model for them how to resolve conflicts. Let them see you demonstrate respect and compassion. Unless your in-laws are evil, children benefit from a relationship with their grandparents.
- Engage your mother-in-law (or daughter-in-law) in conversation. If the relationship has been strained, this may initially be difficult. Ask her questions about how she raised the man you chose to marry. Relay stories about your childhood, ask her about her childhood and how she was parented. Listen.
- Bonus tip: Tell your daughter-in-law you see all the effort she puts in to being a good mother. Catch her doing something right.
As with any change in behavior, these tips take practice and repetition. If you do them, the rewards are large. I can attest to that. If you have questions, please include them in the comments.
Cherry Woodburn works in the field of personal development. She facilitates programs designed to open a world of possibilities for women through shifting negative paradigms and increasing confidence. Cherry blogs at http://borderlessthinking.com
Healthy You: Healthy Husbands – How to Help Your Husband Live Healthier Without Nagging Him to Death
Women are the caretakers of health, constantly watching out for the health interests of the family – whether they like it or not. Like all well-meaning advice-givers, sometimes the ‘help’ isn’t well received. You say, “Maybe that’s enough, honey” when your husband is on his fourth glass of wine. He hears, “You are a fat, lazy, drunken cow.”
The problem is women and men have a completely different approach to health. Women tend to be pro-active and ask a lot of questions for themselves and their family. Even when the appointment is about her peri-menopausal weight gain, she will ask about her husband’s love handles and her child’s aversion to cheese. We can’t seem to help ourselves; we want to spread the wealth.
Men wish to come in once a year and be told the three things they can do better that will solve the problem at hand. If those things make sense to them and are easy to do, they will do them. Period. Our constant barrage of unsolicited health advice is perceived as ‘nagging’ or criticism.
Behind the Friction: Why Men and Women Approach Health Differently
She does not think her husband is stupid or lazy she tries to help – well at least the first 25 times anyway. She is biologically designed and socially driven to take care of her husband. What her “nagging” is, really, is worry.
She worries what will happen to her, how the kids will be if they have to grow up without a father. She worries that if she doesn’t say something his habits will get worse. She also does not like acting like his mother and wishes that he would accept responsibility for himself so she can start worrying about herself again and leave him alone. Win-win.
He is biologically designed differently. He is made and socialized to ignore the feelings of hunger, thirst and use of the bathroom so he learns from an early age to shut these distractions out. If you think about it in an anthropological sense, he has to ignore these sensations in order to keep hunting or gathering or protecting the pack.
Slowing down to poop is a dangerous, smelly proposition (which also explains why he feels the need to hide in the bathroom/cave until the job is done and the danger is past). He wants to be healthy and safe. He also wants to hear advice from his caring wife, but he needs the information to be simple and framed in the positive.
How to Help Your Husband Live a Healthier Life
#1: Know and accept that men and women are different in how they approach health, neither is wrong and both can do better.
#2: She needs to limit her “tips” to three.
#3: He needs to hear her tips as love rather than nag.
#4: She needs to frame her tips in the positive tone of voice (saying “you can’t” or “you shouldn’t” doesn’t work, he needs to hear the plan and the goal):
- Let’s get a special bottle of wine for Friday nights so we can look forward to it!
- If I stopped drinking wine during the week, will you help me and do it too?
- I am going to make more vegetables and show the kids we can do better! Which one would you like to see more of?
- You did so well last week! Let’s do it again!
As pathetic as it sounds, we all need positive reinforcement and someone has to start it. I wish it weren’t true and I know it isn’t always easy but, man, does it work.
#5: He needs to listen. Nod and smile and appreciate. That’s simple, right?
Laugh, eat well and be inspired at www.myfriendinfood.com where Theresa shares her weekly meal solutions!
Mommy Mojo: When Good Friends Go Bad – When to Let Go of a Friendship
Do you recall singing songs about friendship as a little girl? Many of us sat with our girlfriends singing loudly…
Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and the other gold.
This song taught us the importance of making new friends. As little girls we understood that we had the right to make new friends who may mean more to us than friends of our past and that it was okay to define friends as gold and silver.
What the song neglected to teach us was what to do with the friendships that made us feel bad. Instead we were taught that we should remain loyal, supportive and true to all of our friends and hold onto unhealthy friendships by putting them in the “silver’ category. We were never taught how to let go of friendships gone bad.
We lack the skills to end a friendship that no longer serves to uplift and support us and instead continue in friendships that are causing stress. The Silver and Gold song needs a new line that talks about how to let go of an unhealthy friendship…
Friendships change, and when they do, learn to let go and take care of you!
Has your Good Friend Gone Bad? A Simple Test…
Does my friend support me in all that I do?
Are you supported by your friend? Are you encouraged to grow through positive feedback or do you feel that your friend is competitive and critical? Many times friendships go bad due to jealousy.
Remember, it’s not about you. Healthy relationships should support you to become all that you can be without fear of out shining one another. A healthy friend will not only push you to succeed, but will be genuinely happy when you do.
Can I trust my friend?
Do you feel comfortable sharing freely with your friend, or do you find that you edit your conversations due to lack of trust? Is your soul whispering to you that you should not trust your friend?
Often we wait for concrete proof to substantiate what our intuition tells us about an untrustworthy friend. If you feel it, know it to be true. It is time to listen and allow your intuition to guide you.
Am I at my best when with my friend?
Do you like who you are when you spend time with your friend or do you find that you become someone else when in her presence? Do you behave differently, allowing your values and personality to shift?
Often, when engaged in an unhealthy relationship, we will mirror behavior out of our need to please and recapture the approval of the friend gone bad. Look deeply and acknowledge if this is taking place.
Is the friendship energy equally shared?
The difference between a friendship and an acquaintance is the equally shared attention, affection, energy and support. Does your friend reciprocate or take advantage of what you bring to the relationship? Do you feel that your generosity is taken advantage of ? Is your friend is never available when you need her?
If you are always giving support to your friend yet receive little or nothing in return, you are in a one-way relationship, which is not a friendship at all. It’s time to make room for friends who will give as much as they take.
If I met my friend today, what would I think?
Many of us maintain friendships simply because we have been in the relationship for years. Yet, if we were to be introduced to this person in the present moment, we may find that we have nothing in common.
Ask yourself if you still share interests and values. Look at your friendship with a fresh perspective. This person may not be someone you would want to develop a friendship with at all if you met her today.
Has my friend become toxic to my world?
Toxic is an extreme word, but the behavior in such relationships is often extreme. Toxic friends are the friends who drain your energy, are unsupportive, degrading and never share the friendship energy.
In comparison, a rewarding and healthy friendship is one in which you feel uplifted, supported, encouraged and the friendship energy is equal.
How to Let Go of a Friendship Gone Bad
It is time to say goodbye to the friends who no longer elevate you and enhance your life. Breathe. Stand tall. Be Brave. It is time to stop taking care of an unhealthy relationship. It is time to take care of you.
Give yourself Permission
When any relationship is defined as negative, exhausting or toxic, the healthiest thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. It seems there is an unwritten code that tells us we must be loyal to a friend even when the friendship is not doing anything but draining and sometimes sabotaging us. Why is that? We are certainly told in regard to all other relationships to set strict boundaries. Just us we end other unhealthy relationships or even business partnerships, it is necessary to end friendships that have gone bad.
The Break Up
You may either chose to have an open conversation, write a letter or simply let the friendship fade away. Be forgiving, loving and kind and do not look for an answer from your friend. Remember, you are finished spending energy on an unhealthy relationship. Your communication of your feelings should be just that.
Moving on
Life experiences will change who we are and as we change, we alter the people we attract into our lives. It is time to make room for those who align with who we are today. Just as clearing your closet of things that no longer fit you leaves room for more fabulous clothes, clearing your life of friends who hold you back and drain you will only make room for new and fabulous friends to come into your life.
It is time to embrace the idea that by releasing and letting go of a friendship turned bad, you will create more space for positive change within you. Our life is a result of the choices we make. Own that you are making the best one for you in this present moment. Let go, move on. You will find that you shine brighter and soar higher in all that you do.
Want more tips on how to own your Mommy Mojo? Visit Dabney online at www.divacoachdabney.com!
Mommy Mojo: Mrs. Judgey Judgerson from Judgementville – How to Deal with Judgmental People
No matter where you go in the world or what you do, someone, somewhere is going to have a judgment about it and it is only a matter of time until they start sharing those thoughts with you.
How to Deal with the Judgmental Archetypes
#1: The Constructive Critic
This type of critic uses a quiet voice, tends to touch your hand or shoulder as they lean in to offer what has worked for them or why what you are doing is not going to work. Then they dive into a story about themselves with all the data and feeling that supports what they have just told you to do.
Because their delivery is usually passive and very smooth, you often don’t know what hit you until a few moments later. They may even have you thinking you could do better and really should be trying the magical methods they have offered up. Only after you realize what happened do you start to feel the condescending insult and turn from eager learner to mommy on the edge
Make it about them, not you. As Dr. Phil says, ’Thanks for caring enough to share” means I don’t have to agree with you, I get that some part of you really cares although I don’t like how you show it. Ask them questions about what else is important to them and offer that they contact a magazine or local publication and write an article on the topic they feel so passionately about.
#2: The Dear Abbey Advice-Giver
You know, the ‘friend’ who is always piping up with helpful suggestions and what SHE would do and what SHE read in the parenting books. Nice, except that her advice is always unsolicited – and free, because she is not using it! “She has been there, done that and bought the T-shirt at the weekend seminar.” Her delivery is more overt, the spewing is constant and she is the expert in everything.
It’s tempting to tell her to stick a sock in it, but that would not stop the constant stream of ‘conscious’ living. That also means asking the principle to ensure her child is never in the same class as yours again and taking a sabbatical from the council you realize she is now the president of.
Do not get defensive – it only makes it worse. Remember, this is about her and not you. “I can tell you feel very strongly about this and have read a number of resources about it. I am particularly impressed with the depth you have gone to to be the best mother for your children. My husband and I have chosen XYZ and feel very comfortable with the results so far.”
#3: The Glaring Classroom Mom
There is only Right and Wrong in her world and make no mistake, she is right and most everyone else is wrong! Instead of using ‘her words’, she glares at you with silent judgment when you cross that invisible line of right and wrong. Didn’t you read it in the school guidelines?
You clench your fists and grit your teeth while talking about this Pinnacle of Proper Behavior. Your ‘mama bear’ spidy senses are on overdrive making sure she does not get near your child to spit the venomous negativity she carries with her.
Stay clear! You are not there to change her or her ironclad mind so don’t waste your breath and efforts. Hold strongly to the belief that you are the best mother for your children, doing the best job you know how, and so far, you have not been arrested for it.
#4: The Too Perfect to be True So-Called Friend…
Firstly, Miss Perfect is not a friend. She has a very skewed version of reality and unfortunately, she lives in it. As much as we may call it H-E-L-L, she calls it normal. Well good for her!
You go between feeling guilt that you do not measure up and then anger at her fakeness – both emotions feeling equally true in each moment.
Remember that her need to measure up is far greater than yours and the inner pain and emotional effort that requires is super human.
Instead of hating her, you feel compassion for a woman who does not accept herself as beautiful, talented and invaluable as she is, and can only ever fall short of her own extraordinarily elevated standards.
#5: The Silently Judging In-Laws
Did you ever wonder how when you got married you would gain even more people who have an opinion about you? I mean, as an out-law, do you really want to know what the in-laws think about you?
Well, you married them all when you said ‘I do’ so get over it. Celebrate the differences. The best collage is made of many colors, not just one with no texture.
When you are in their domain, make verbal note of what is great about how they live (yes, you can always find at least one). When they are yours, you get to verbally celebrate how you do things differently. Make note of what works about the combination – a diverse experience of family allows your children to find where they are most comfortable and what they will take with them into adulthood.
Ultimately, there are a million ways to do any one thing and we will all have our own preferred methods without any one being ‘right’. Be confident in your methods with an open mind to what else is out there and you may learn and benefit from others when you choose to.
In the meantime, go bravely and be equipped for that judgey world out there.
Mommy Mojo: Mean People Suck (Your Energy) – How to Protect Yourself from Toxic People
Toxic. We all know the word and many of us use it to define substances that may harm us if we are exposed. What about the individuals who have a negative impact on others? They are perhaps one of the most toxic substances because they enter into our lives under the guise of friendship.
Do you allow toxic people into your life?
Toxic friends are those who drain you of your energy, are unsupportive and most importantly unequal in the shared friendship energy. As women, we adhere to an unwritten code that tells us we must be loyal to a friend. Through thick and thin, no matter what occurs.
Most women admit that even when a friendship is draining their energy and sabotaging their own integrity and self-esteem, that they should remain loyal to the friendship. We are certainly told in regard to all other relationships to set boundaries, and to not tolerate relationships that are unhealthy. Yet, why do we continue and so often encourage the toxic friend to remain in our life?
Why do we feel this way? We safeguard ourselves from toxic chemicals, toxic food additives and toxic waste. Yet, many of us do not know where to begin to manage and safeguard ourselves from the emotional and often physical stress that results from a relationship with a toxic individual.
When someone shows you who they really, believe them the very first time ~Maya Angelo
The most important (and often most difficult) step to take is to identify a toxic person. People will show you who they really are right away, but often we make the mistake of compensating for the red flags that warn us of their toxic personality by justifying their unacceptable behavior.
The Personality Traits of a Toxic Friend
Self-Involved – The friend who can’t see past their own world. Think of the playgroup mom who never asks you how you are. In fact, after hours of many conversations, you realize you know every detail of every crisis in her life and yet, she doesn’t know a thing about you. Typically, she is a victim of all that happens in her life, and takes no responsibility for her actions, including the fact that you can’t get a word in edgewise.
Demanding – The friend who expects much and gives little to the friendship. You know who I am speaking of. She is the friend who cannot imagine why you would not help her with a task when you have a fever of a 104. She is demanding of your time, your help and your emotional energy. Yet, she often never offers you any support or reciprocated energy.
Needy – Do you have a friend who calls you at all hours of the day to complain and vent about her life to you? She constantly seeks your advice, but never takes action on the things you discuss? She needs constant attention and becomes angry and weepy when you are not immediately available to her. Her demands exhaust you mentally and emotionally.
Unsupportive – The unsupportive friend who will never make rude or demeaning statements directly, but there is always an undertone of hostility. She is the stereotypical passive aggressive personality and any step you take towards success is viewed as a threat. She may say things like, “Yes, you did really well. Thank goodness you had my help.” She may want you to be happy and successful as long as she is more happy or successful. She must win at all costs.
How to Protect Yourself from Toxic People
Do you recognize any of the toxic red flags above in your friendships or people you know? Are you allowing toxic in your life? If so, there are steps you can take to complete a HAZMAT sweep of your world.
Recognize – Watch for the toxic personality red flags outlined above and observe how that behavior is impacting you.
Step Back – As with any toxic chemical, you must first limit your exposure to this person to prevent toxic side effects. Use this time to gain clarity and release yourself from any guilt or fear you may have of hurting the person’s feelings. Engaging with a toxic person adds stress to your life and damages your self-esteem. You must stop giving of your time and self to a person who brings no value to you. It is time to put you first.
Set Boundaries – Now that you have identified the toxic people relationships in your life, it is time to set serious boundaries. If the relationship is casual, changing behavior with boundary setting will be easier then it will be in a long-standing friendship.
Train and Reinforce – It’s important to realize that you are responsible for reinforcing and basically training people to treat you. Use the open-ended sentences below establish boundaries and begin the training process:
Example conversation with the playgroup mom…
When you…talk to me so much during playgroup about your personal issues
I feel…unable to observe and enjoy watching our children play.
If you continue to…discuss such personal issues with me
I will…need to sit at another table.
Be clear and firm about your expectations and then be consistent. If you set the boundary by stating the above to the playgroup mom, and still engage her by listening to her drama, you will teach her that it is okay to dismiss your request.
Letting Go of Toxic Relationships and Replacing with Healthy Ones
Remember, the toxic person is needy and attention seeking. When she shows you who she is, believe her. Set boundaries with the toxic friend in all areas that are affecting your life. For example, where you feel the friendship is lacking and what you need from her if the friendship is going to continue.
I say IF because if after you set boundaries and express what you need from her and her toxic behavior continues, you may need to take a break from the friendship to gain clarity. If nothing seems to change the relationship for the better, as much as it’s a difficult decision, you may need to make that break permanent.
Surround yourself with people who give you that special power that only the healthiest of relationships provide – ones where you feel uplifted, supported, encouraged and the energy is equal. It is time to respect and value yourself by setting boundaries with how you are treated and who you share your valuable time with.
In doing so, you will become more confident in the future and able to easily identify the toxic person when they show you who they are the very first time. You will no longer attract individuals who are toxic at all and you will clear your life of any unhealthy relationships you are currently in leaving more room for healthy people to enter your life.
Remember, when toxic tries to walk right into your world again, say this: “Back off toxic, I embrace my power.”
Mommy Mojo: 11 Things Friends of Work-at-Home Moms Don’t Know
A while back, a friend asked me to watch her sick kid. “I can’t take him to work with me,” she said.
There was a long silence as I thought about the implications of that statement and about the importance of this friendship. I thought about reminding her that my own kid—a kid I love very deeply—was in daycare because my work requires a great deal of concentration, concentration that is tough to come by with a kid at home.
This led to me feeling a bit guilty.
Why couldn’t I find a way to watch my own kid? Am I just being selfish? That led to me feeling angry about feeling guilty which led to me wanting to say a lot of things that would not have been good for the friendship.
So I ended up saying, “No, I can’t do that. Sorry. I’ve got to go. I’ve got another call.”
The incident got me thinking about the disconnect between work-at-home moms and the rest of the world. People just don’t understand what we do all day long, do they?
11 Things that Friends of Work-at-Home Moms Usually Don’t Know
(But we all secretly wish they did)
#1: Work-at-Home Moms do, in fact, earn money. It might be true that some just earn enough money to buy souvenirs at Disney once a year. Many of us, however, earn a salary that is equivalent to a full time office job, and some of us out earn our spouses.
#2: If you think the people who launched Facebook worked a lot of hours to make it a success, then you are beginning to understand the daily existence of a Work-at-Home Mom.
#3: Some of us decided to work at home for the flexible schedule. Others did it because we are more productive when we’re wearing pajamas. Still others did it because we enjoy bossing ourselves around and we don’t enjoy it when others boss us around instead.
#4: If you come to the door unannounced and you wonder what smells, it’s might be our breath—because we’ve been that busy.
#5: If you hear us screaming obscenities, it’s might be because the power went out during an important Skype conference call. Or it might be because we forgot to turn on auto save.
#6: Many of us have our kids in daycare because we can’t get our jobs done while whiney voices are saying things like, “Mommy I’m bored!” “Mommy can I stick a butter knife in the electric socket? Pleeease?” and “Mommy, I just spilled juice on the leather sofa. Just letting you know.” Others have their kids at home but wish they were in daycare.
#7: Some of us who have our kids in daycare can be a wee bit sensitive about the question, “Where are your little ones?” At times you might hear us respond with sarcasm like, “Oh, him? I think I left him at the mall a few days ago. I’m sure he’ll be fine” and “I keep him locked in his closet while I’m working.”
#8: We didn’t choose to work at home so we could baby sit your children. See points #6 and #7. We also didn’t choose to work at home so we could run errands for you or walk your dog.
#9: When we don’t work, we don’t get paid. We don’t work on vacations and weekends because we’re work-a-holics (although some of us are) or because we’re addicted to our iPhones or email (although some of us are). We do it because we don’t like hearing the word “foreclosure”.
#10: We are not happy when the schools close due to snow and we spend a lot of time thinking about why the officials who make these decisions are trying to torment us. If you want to become our BFF’s for life, offer to watch our kids on a snow day.
#11: When you call during our work hours and you get voice mail, it’s not because we’re not home. It’s because we have Caller ID.
Alisa Bowman has been a work-at-home mom for 11 years. She is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir about how she saved her marriage. She is also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers.
Mommy Mojo: “Sit, Sit Person Sit! Good Person!” Tips on Training People How to Treat You
Admit it – you have people in your life that you wish you could tell to sit down and shut up! If only a pocket full of puppy treats would be enough to do the trick. It generally isn’t considered good form to tell people to sit or use bribes to illicit the desired behavior, but every single day we are defacto ‘training’ people how we want to be treated.
Just as the untrained puppy pees on the carpet completely unaware of any wrong-doing, the untrained client continues to make last-minute requests seemingly unconcerned that his little request forced you to cancel weekend plans to make the unreasonable deadline.
The Principles of People Training: How You Train People How to Treat You
Training people is most effective using clear and simple requests, similar to the blunt commands used to train puppies. So, if you can’t stand your coworker continually taking your stapler, you can sit and stew or make a request.
#1: Ask permission – “Do you have a moment to hear something important to me?”
If you are going to the trouble of sharing, I am certain you will not feel respected when the listener is distracted. This question asks them to be present and tells you if later is a better time for that.
The key here is this is important to you. Whose issue is this? Yours. The question alone reflects your ownership of your feelings, which also helps to disarm the listener. Bursting in and launching into a rant about their behavior won’t be well received.
#2: State your feeling and the topic – “I am feeling frustrated about your use of my stapler.”
Resist the urge to add more here. The more simplistic the statement, the better. Don’t’ force the listener to dig the tiny gem of truth out of a novel-length rant.
#3: Stick with the facts available to you – “I have seen my stapler on your desk a number of time and I don’t recall you having asked to borrow it.”
This is the first part the listener’s brain needs to make sense of what you are taking about. Stick with the facts and the facts only.
#4: Discuss your assumptions – “I think you have access to getting your own stapler and I am not sure why you have not asked for one.”
We make assumptions all the time, and often get in trouble for it! Being very overt about your core assumptions lets the listener understand the reasoning behind your behavior.
#5: Make a request or an offer – “I would like you to do what it takes to get your own stapler as soon as possible.”
Most complaints or compliments end at step 4, which does not complete the cycle of communication to change or reinforce a behavior. Clearly stating what you want eliminates the possibility that the listener misinterprets your request.
Speaking like this may seem mechanical and awkward at first. By slowing down the conversation, you are better equipped to get the information out in a way that makes sense and it is not marred with the emotional charge that often comes with this type of communication.
Plus it helps the listener hear the most important information. Simply exploding in a rant leaves the listener feeling verbally puked on, defensive and unsure of what you wanting done differently. Just as puppy training requires consistent and vigilant reinforcement, you must be committed to making the communication at your first opportunity.
People Training in Action: How to Train the People Around You
Clients – When clients call you at times you feel are inappropriate or outside of your work hours, answering their call only reinforces the bad behavior. Do NOT answer the call and clarify your hours of availability the next time you speak.
Employees – If deadlines are not being met, the same request is needed and some appropriate consequence designed. Involving the employee in designing the consequences for repeat offences is the best way to ensure a change in behavior.
Children – Our little people respond to this model very quickly! Their language and grammar is not on an adult level so this supports them to quickly grasp what you are saying. Children, like adults, love to please. When you clearly state your feeling about how it is and what you would like instead, it leaves the door wide open for them to walk through.
Husbands – As much as we continually think they are mind readers, they are not, nor do they read between the lines when there are none. Men love the direct communication with no fluff or fuss so they can ‘fix’ what you want ‘fixed’ and get on with it
Friends – We gals love to tangle details in an emotional quagmire, making it hard for even your best friend to understand what is really bothering you and what you want. This communication model is suited for all personality types and helps us to clear our own head about what we really feel and want.
Understanding how you are defacto training people starts with looking at yourself. Many clues people take on how to treat you are based on non-verbal ways that you treat others, therefore condoning what you say you don’t want. If you are feeling brave, ask others if they think you walk your talk.
These basic steps and ideas will support you to effectively communicate how you want to be treated and avoid the pitfalls of mismanaging relationships. By expressing clear boundaries and rules for the people you deal with on a daily basis, you will be experiencing less conflict and resentment and more joy and productivity in all your relationships.
Mommy Mojo: 6 Things Husbands of Work-at-Home Moms Don’t Know
Perhaps it may surprise you to know that husbands are not mind readers.
I used to fall prey to the notion that my husband could read my mind. It took me a long, long time to become comfortable with the idea that he just couldn’t.
Not only does my husband not know what I want him to do—unless I ask him out loud—he’s also not necessarily good at divining what needs to be done. As a very good friend once told me, “Men are clueless.” If I want my husband to know what’s on my mind, I need to clue him in.
6 things that husbands of work-at-home moms don’t necessarily know
#1: When your “Do Not Disturb” sign is up – Unless you have an official sign that your family members can see, it can be difficult for them to sense the boundaries between Working Mommy and Regular Mommy.
My husband used to ask me questions when I was typing and I used to bite his head off on a regular basis. It finally occurred to me that he didn’t know how difficult it was for me to switch from typing to talking and back again. He and my daughter also didn’t necessarily know whether I was on an important client call or just chatting to my mom or a friend.
Now I ask everyone to please be quite before I get on the phone. I’ve also gently explained how difficult it is for me to switch tasks. Now my husband knows not to interrupt me if he can see my fingers beating the keyboard keys.
#2: That you are on deadline – When you work in an office, most of your coworkers have a sense of your responsibilities. This isn’t the case with a home office.
If you don’t tell your family (and especially your husband) that you are about to have a busy week, he’s going to ask annoying questions like, “Hey hon, how come we’re out of milk?” and “Hey hon, aren’t you going to cook dinner?”
#3: Why a career is so important to you – Many new mompreneurs tell me that their husbands do not support their home businesses. After asking many questions, I usually learn that their husbands don’t know why these women want to work at all.
Explain that you need a career identity just as much as he does. It’s not just about money. It’s about your peace of mind and your happiness. Once he understands that, he’ll be more likely to support you.
#4: The baby’s diaper needs to be changed – This one isn’t just for work at home moms. It’s for all of the moms out there who have rolled their eyes whenever dad has handed them a stinky baby. Not everyone has the same sense of smell.
If you smell poopy, don’t assume your spouse can smell it, too. “Could you please change the baby’s diaper?” is a lot more likely to get the baby’s diaper changed than is an eye roll or a loud sigh.
#5: Why you are not in the mood for sex – You might have had a hard day. You might have worked until 2 am. You might feel less than sexy because you haven’t had a chance to get to the gym in three weeks.
He doesn’t know any of this. So when you rebuff his advances, he assumes you no longer find him attractive.
#6: You want him to tell you that you are beautiful, smart, competent and a smart business woman – He thinks you know all of these things. He thinks you are a good mother, too. He doesn’t bother to tell you because he thinks you can read his mind.
Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, which tells the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. Enter the Fabulous PHEA Giveaway! Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com to learn how you can enter to win a Kindle, a stay at a B&B, marriage counseling, a vibrator and more.
Mommy Mojo: Sexy Santa Suits, the Velveteen Rabbit and Being Real – Lessons on How to Feel Sexy During the Holidays
This Christmas since my husband is away in the Gulf, I considered buying something really surprising to wear for a video chat. You know – something like a super sexy Santa suit, with red velveteen and a little fur and a lot of skin.
So I started looking at the myriad of options online and suddenly became nearly depressed.
“What could I have been thinking?” I wondered, as I looked at the long legged, big breasted women in the ads. “Compared to her, I would look ridiculous in that get up!” So I turned off the computer and started wondering how many other women shy away from love-with-abandon by comparing themselves to some one else.
It reminded me of a story about another kind of Velveteen…
Next, I picked up my favorite childhood book – The Velveteen Rabbit, and re-read my earliest book of self-development. (Of course I never realized until now that it is a self-development story, but that’s the best kind.)
In case you don’t know of this book, it is about a little stuffed velveteen rabbit that we meet on a Christmas morning in a stocking. We follow along with him as he journeys into this magical place that only happens when you are “real.” We learn about being real, first from the very wise Skin Horse.
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, bur REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt…It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”*
Ha! So, this may be totally fiction, talking about children and not grown men, toys and not real women, but I don’t care. I’m going with it. My takeaway: REAL IS SEXY!
Three Tips for a Real and Sexy Holiday:
#1: Revel in “Real,” instead of Panicking over Perfection
“Once you are Real you can’t be ugly!” Oooh yeah baby – take a look at your less-than perfect parts in the mirror and tell them they are magical and lovely. Your husband who loves you mostly just wants YOU – and wants to make you happy.
#2: Nurture yourself with nutrition and exercise – because it feels good!
You deserve to feel good just as you are. Stay present each day and in touch with your senses. Go to bed early enough to WANT to roll around with your lover. If you practice thinking loving, sensuous thoughts, you will be rewarded with opportunity. Choose to feel good now.
#3: Focus on what is RIGHT about your mate
It is easy to look at those things that drive us nuts – but doing that will only drive you apart. For just the next 3 days, purposefully focuse on the attributes that first attracted you to your man. Talk about them – not just to him, but to yourself. Include some of your fondest, steamiest memories.
When you do the actions above, you will also give yourself permission to be flooded with pleasure. You will also find yourself wanting to bring pleasure to your guy. What power we have as women to love and be loved, and feel good in the process.
Now excuse me – I’m heading back online to find something sexy to wear for a video chat. To heck with airbrushed lingerie models! A certain Sailor is just aching to see me flash a little cellulite!
Here’s to celebrating the magical passionate world of REAL!
*Quote taken from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams, Doubleday & Company, Inc.
Gina Parris is known as the Queen of Peak Performance and the creator of The Romance Rescue – How to Have Really Great Sex – When You’re NOT in the Mood. She has been married for over 20 years to a hunk named Paul and they have four children. Get her free video: “Secrets to Really Great Sex Tonight – Even if You’re NOT in the Mood”
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- I love that @AlyPain tells it like it is --> STOP Blaming Your Children - Why YOUR Failure Isn't THEIR Fault - http://t.co/LPo51mgI
- Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, "Make me feel important." ~Mary Kay Ash
